Chews to Lose

How do I start all over

2011-04-30T19:41:00.002-04:00

How do I do this? That's where I'm at right now. I'm disgusted with myself because I'm basically back to where I started and I'm not even trying. I'm actually doing the opposite - it's like I'm on a runaway train. Food in, don't feel the hurt, more food in, feed the pain, more food in, now your clothes don't fit, more food in, more food in, more food in. How do I get back into the mindset I was in when I was doing all the right stuff? How? Why don't I want to feel good, why don't I want to feel proud of myself, why don't I want my clothes to look decent again, why don't I want to feel winded when carrying my daughter around, why, why, why....
I don't know. Everyday I wake up I feel good about the day. That feeling is shot by the end of the day. How does something so important become not so important by the end of the day? How?
I can't tell you how disappointed I am in myself -
I suppose I'll wake up tomorrow and feel like it's a new day. God I hope it really is a new day because right now - I hate the person I am.

2010 almost 2011

2010-11-20T23:03:00.003-05:00

Where have I been?

Since my last post, so much has happened. I did continue my weight loss journey and actually got down to 268 pounds, my lowest in a lot of years. I was walking almost 7 miles a day (on good days at least). I also incorporated some weight training into my daily activities.

Then...in January I had the most exciting news ever. I was pregnant. Something I've waited for my entire life. I'm sure that the weight loss had everything to do w/ my success in conceiving. So I continued walking for a few weeks after I found out. Then when it was medically confirmed I was just so scared to exercise for fear of losing the baby. Stupid I know, but it's how I felt. I wish I had continued for several reasons.

Fast forward to September and I gave birth via C-section to a beautiful baby girl. Life is pretty amazing.

Fast forward to now...my weight is back up to 325. Shit is all I have to say.

My fear in having a daughter is the fear of her having this weight issue as her burden. I vowed to lose this weight for many reasons, and now I have the biggest one of all. I can not let her know what it's like to be made fun of, not enjoy life, worry about what people think, or what clothes will fit, and the million other negative thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. I've stayed away from the blog because I just felt like the pregnancy was the most important thing and now I've done that so I need to get back to a healthy place.

My hope is that this blog will work like it did the first time. Sharing my stuff with others and reading other blogger's stuff will kick my butt into gear.

Here's hoping that I'll end 2010 on a smaller note and continue my healthy journey in 2011!

Many Heartfelt thanks; M.I.A.; Anticipation; Goals; What ifs

2009-07-20T20:23:00.002-04:00

First, let me say thanks to everyone who checked on me. There were a few of you who went above and beyond and I can’t thank you enough. Losing Waist http://losingwaist.blogspot.com and Fixing Myself Thinner http://bbubblyb.blogspot.com are true inspirations and I hope I can be that someday too. Losing Waist was one of my first buddies in this journey. I felt a huge connection with her from the start. When I finish reading some of her posts I feel like I’ve just gone through a deep counseling session and feel rejuvenated. Fixing Myself Thinner – well what can I say? She’s a true inspiration. She’s what I want to be when I lose weight. I’m in awe of both of these beautiful women and can’t thank them enough for their support. Now, that isn’t to say that no one else supported me because that is not the case – these two women just seemed to get me more than anyone.

I’ve been absent from this world for a few months. It sure doesn’t feel like that though. I think because I’ve been keeping up with most of you. Yep, I still read your entries almost daily. I think I may be a stalker….YIKES! I stopped commenting when I stopped blogging. I don’t have a particular reason. I just wasn’t inspired to share anything. I think that every time I sat down to write nothing popped into my head. It just reiterated the fact that I really don’t have a life. I let my weight get in the way of that years ago. I also had some internal competition issues. I was comparing myself to anyone and everyone who was the same age or close to the same weight (in blogland). If I didn’t lose as much as them I felt defeated. I saw myself going into a bad place and decided I needed to pull away from this for a little while. No one made me feel this – it was something I did to myself. I think it’s a way for me to try and fit in. It’s all I’ve ever wanted my whole life – to fit in. I’m 37 years old you’d think I’d be over that by now – but sometimes that stuff just doesn’t go away.

Anticipation can be a good thing. I’m anticipating a huge thing to happen in the next week or two. I’ll be under 300 pounds. It’s been 8 years, that I know of, since being there. This number is huge. At least it is in my head. I think that when I step on that scale and see that #, I’ve got this false impression of what is going to happen. Imagine fireworks exploding, people screaming, and an overall kind of peaceful happy feeling. Oh lord – totally unreal expectations. I know that. Please don’t try to counsel me and tell me that just by hitting that number it won’t fix everything – I do know that. But, I’ve tried to get below this fucking # for the past eight plus years – if I want to hear a few firecrackers then I think I should. I think I need something to validate how hard I’ve worked to get here. Yes, I have so much more to go – but it’s okay. I’ve reached a goal – I want to celebrate it. And not with food.

So with the above being mentioned I guess that you can see I didn’t fall off the wagon. I’ve tripped up quite a few times. I thought I’d be a little further along, but I’m not, and I’m dealing with it. I have figured out a few ways to fit exercising back into my day. When I started working again (February) I had a hard time working things out so that I could fit exercise & eating right into a day. Seems like it would be a fairly easy thing to do – but I struggled. I wake up @ 5:00AM to get ready for work, leave the house by 7:00AM, get home @ 5:00ish. Make dinner – get done between 6:00 – 6:30PM and then have to do things around the house. And then go to bed. Weekends end up w/ us running the errands we can’t do on the weekdays. Originally my goal was to start waking up @ 4:00AM and getting an hour in before work. Yeah….that sucked the couple times I did it. I was zonked by 8:00PM. So – now I walk during my lunch hour. I walk for 40 minutes. And it’s really put a dent in my calorie deficit. I got a bodybugg – which I think is the most fantastic tool a person can have. Yes, they are expensive, but I swear it pays for itself when you start to see that sitting on your ass all day doesn’t burn enough calories to wipe out what you’ve eaten (even if it’s only 1200 calories). I’m more aware of things now, and I’ll think twice before shoving some sort of yummy wonderful in my pie hole. I also have tried to work out an hour when I get home at night. All different things – a 4 mile Walk Away the Pounds, the Wii, treadmill, bike, whatever I’m in the mood for that day. It doesn’t happen every day – but it does happen and in the last month I’ve seen an improvement in my weight loss.

My goals change daily. Really, the only goal I have at this point is to continue on with whatever I’m doing. When I get bored change it up, when I hit a plateau figure out how to get through it (both physically and emotionally), when I gain weight – don’t let all the hard work I’ve done thus far go down the drain. Of course there are numerical goals – but nothing set in stone. If there is anything I’ve learned the past few months is to just go with the flow. Sounds good on paper – wish I could just follow that advice. I’ve got a goal # to hit in November w/ my BodyBugg and I’m off track by a few pounds. Damn it! But, it’s still something to shoot for and it keeps me on my toes. I have bad days. Some days when I get home from a stressful day at work I see me slipping into old habits. It’s amazing when you aren’t keeping up with your emotions they take control and you’re on autopilot. I head into our pantry and grab a snack, make dinner, snack a little on that, there is no off button. Feed the emotions, don’t let those people hurt you, feed yourself, that will fill the empty space in your head/heart. Just do it. I’m lucky that my job really isn’t that stressful, some days are worse than others. I know that this is going to be a lifelong battle. For the first time in forever, I think I can get through it. I’m still very fearful that I’ll go back into my old patterns. They were how I lived for most of my life – it’s comfortable.

I was talking to my husband over breakfast at Cracker Barrel Sunday morning. Going out for breakfast is quite an amazing thing for me to do – I don’t like to go out to eat. I don’t want people to judge the fat girl and what she eats. I realize that most people going out to breakfast are not really interested in me and I need to get over myself. I know it’s my own hang-ups – but they are my hang-ups. Anyway…we were talking about this new upcoming fantastical goal I’m going to achieve. I told him that I was proud of myself – I can’t say that about too many things I’ve done. But, this is the most amount of weight I’ve ever lost and I’m happy about it. Excited about it. But, on top of being excited and happy, I’m also scared to death. I told him that a fear is getting back to where I was when this journey started. It’s a very real fear. I asked – what is going to keep me from going back to that place? And, his sweet answer was that “you don’t want to go back there”. Awwwww….such a simple answer. I laughed and sort of cried on the inside. I never wanted to weigh that much. NEVER! It wasn’t my goal in life to get so morbidly obese that I wasn’t comfortable doing anything. I didn’t want to have to shop in specialty clothing stores and spend huge amounts of money on clothes I hated wearing, but had no choice because it was all that fit. I never wanted to be noticeably absent from pictures because every time I saw myself I wanted to slit my throat. You get the idea – I NEVER wanted to be there. But, I was. I was very there. And for a long time. So why is this time different? What if….I start to slip? What if…..I don’t recover from the slip up? What if….a gain of 20 pounds turns into a gain of 40 in a month? All fears. And all valid fears in my opinion. I can sit here and say I’ll never do that to myself again – but hell I did it the first time – what is going to keep me from going back to old habits. My answer – I don’t have a clue. I don’t know how I will push myself to lose more weight, or keep myself from gaining what I’ve lost. I just don’t know how I will. I have new tools this time – so that’s good. I’m older, and realize how much my weight affects my health………but they are just reasons. I know to “never say never” things happen. For now, I’m not concentrating on the what ifs. They are always in the back of my head trying to discourage me and take me off track – but for now – I’m trying just to live in the now. And it’s so damn hard – I’m a planner.

Like I said earlier – you’ve all been so amazingly supportive. More supportive than any of my family (excluding hubby cause he’s been my biggest supporter), or friends I have. I appreciate it more than you can ever know. Just reading one comment to know that someone else is struggling with all the shit I am – it’s just comforting that maybe we can get through it.

I can’t promise I’ll be back often. I really am a woman of few words (uhhhhmmmm….maybe not this entry). I probably will get back to commenting on your entries though. Got to get back into the mix of things – supporting my friends.

This weekends random thoughts

2009-04-20T20:31:00.002-04:00

Pictures.
I hate pictures with a passion. I just hate what they do to me emotionally. I took a picture a few months into this try at weight loss and haven’t really taken any others since. This weekend my dad got a new camera and was shooting pics of my husband and myself while kayaking. Have you ever thought that you were doing really well, looking decent? And then you see a picture. Boy it can change everything. See, I have this issue – I don’t feel like a person who weighs this much. But, seeing that picture this weekend, I am a person who weighs this much. I’ve been avoiding the kayak for three years. I just knew I wouldn’t fit in it, or since I am so big I would tip over fall out, whatever the fear was I let it take over. This weekend I just bit the bullet and tried it out. Getting in it was a pain, and the initial lowering into the water was scary. Scary enough that I thought about quitting. As I was sitting in the kayak laughing, but freaked out I just said – what are you so afraid of? Falling in the water? Geez, that would be terrible. You’ve never been wet before. Really – that is the worst thing that would have happened. So I let go and just figured it out. I had the best time. I could just kick myself for not trying it sooner. Everyone was really surprised by how far I was able to go (myself included). I had fun. It’s a great workout too. Not really aerobic, but great for the arms, back, and core. Anyway…my husband and I rode around the lake for about a ½ hour and all the while my dad was snapping pictures. We went in to look at them and I couldn’t believe what (who) I saw. Who is that fat girl sitting in the kayak. Oh, that’s me. I really don’t feel like that girl. The roll around my stomach is so freaking huge – I get the whole spare tire reference. I think my tire is for a big rig. The chin – or should I say chins – oh my. Now, I should mention that once you get into this kayak everything kind of gets pushed up – I have a lot to push up. I was disappointed that I still looked so heavy. I know I am heavy. Obviously the scale does not lie, or the size of my clothing. I just didn’t think I looked that big. I guess it’s extra incentive to get back to my exercise routine. Another 40 pounds (almost) and next time it will be a little better.

My dad.
I have a weird relationship with him. He’s from the South and sometimes the views men have of women here are a little different that views I grew up with on the West Coast. My dad and I have butted heads since I was a little girl. I can remember going days without talking to him when I was four or five. I don’t think that’s normal to be that mad. Anyway – we had a conversation about my weight, which is always fun. Somehow this man thinks he understands what it is to be where I am, because he has a weight problem (he has to lose 20 pounds). I don’t have a weight problem. I have several issues that have caused a morbid obesity problem. I told him that a friend of mine had a gastric bypass. He asked why I haven’t done that yet. I told him that I’d thought about it a million times, but that I just didn’t think it was the solution for me. I told him that I needed to figure out what it was that was causing me to do this to myself. We talked for about an hour and it just went nowhere. It’s frustrating that he isn’t sympathetic. He thinks he’s being that, but it comes off as being a jerk. I’m not writing all of this to bash my dad – I’m just trying to deal with all of the feelings that come up when I talk to him about weight. After that conversation, I went up to bed and started to cry. My husband had no idea what happened. I think everything just caught up with me. I was fine a few minutes later – I think I may have needed a release after the conversation.

On a whole the weekend went really well, emotionally. I was lacking in the eating healthy and exercising department but I’m home now so back to baby steps

Playing Victim

2009-04-15T17:20:00.004-04:00

My last post was a little on the “woe is me” side. I made all of the bad choices and I knew that there would be consequences for them. I guess what I posted was more for me – I need to know where I’m at, and start living in the now (as stated by: http://foolsfitness.blogspot.com). I appreciate all of the support. You have all been amazing and stuck with me, cheering me on. While I may not get around to everyone to say how much this all means to me – I am reading each post and trying to take it to heart. All of the advice, support, calling me out, it’s all very helpful.

The past three days have been better. I’m back to baby steps again. I think I was putting all of my eggs in one basket – I have to lose this much or I’m a failure sort of thinking. It’s a hard habit to break. Do you ever get over that part of it? Beating up oneself because a day, a week, a month, a lifetime of failure? I know that this isn’t a quick fix thing. I get that. But, those humps, when you’re feeling like a complete failure, and eating like crap sounds better than getting on the treadmill, how do you just kick it in to high gear. When we start watching our weight in the beginning it seems so easy. Eat right, exercise, be happy. But then a few months in, things aren’t happening fast enough (I know that there has been a lot of talk about this circulating around (http://losingwaist.blogspot.com) (http://ninjakitteestyle.blogspot.com) blog world. Is it just the time? Looking back at a lot of the things I’ve done in my life – I quit half way through. I always find some excuse to not finish. I don’t like it, they don’t like me, I’m too fat to be a part of it, I can’t………all crap. I can do it. I know that. Reading all of the success stories I am inspired. I want to be like all of you. I guess I just want it now. Not a year, two years, or five years from now. I WANT IT NOW!!! Sounding like a two year old throwing a tantrum now. Playing victim again. STOP IT!!!

I don’t have anyone holding a gun to my head saying “eat this or die lady”. Hmmm…light bulb moment – I’m holding the gun to my head. It’s just in a different way – eat this lady and die. Got off track there sorry – I’m not saying that I’ve had some fantastic revelation and now I’m cured of all negative thinking, my food choices will all be good, and I’ll exercise like a maniac. I’m just saying that this time (from November of 2008 –not today) I feel different than any other time I’ve tried to do this. That is the whole reason I started this blog. My only hope is that my intuition is right. Even though I have this feeling – I still have those moments of doubt, like the ones from just two days ago. Does any of this make any sense? I feel like I’m rambling, saying all of the things that need to be said but not really living those things. How appropriate.

This weekend should be nice. I’m heading down to my dad’s house in Georgia. I haven’t been there since December – I’ve lost 30 pounds since then. I’m hoping that the weather is good. We’ve been without the sun here for the last week or so and I’m so over it. This morning I wore a short sleeve sweater to work in hopes that it would lure out that little warm MoFo but no – the rat bastard stayed behind the clouds all day. Coward. Yeah, I’m a nutcase. I’m just sick of grey gloomy days! But, I digress – the weather there is always warmer so I’m hoping we can spend some time out at the lake – I wanted to try out the kayak and maybe do some hiking. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Again, thanks for the amazing words of kindness and support. They mean the world to me. I’ll stop playing victim and kick my own ass for a while.

From my heart

2009-04-13T20:43:00.003-04:00

I'm beyond struggling. I spent my weekend failing. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted, and disappointed. How did I get back to this place? Why?

I had this fantastic goal & plan for the month of March. It started off great. I exercised everyday in the beginning. I even managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:30AM one morning to walk 2 miles before heading out to work. I felt awesome the whole day and slept like a log that night. Somewhere in the middle of March it all went to hell. I stopped exercising, updated the blog, checking in with other bloggers, and not being careful with my food choices. I don't know what set me back. I wish I had kept a journal or blogged to see where things started to shift in a negative direction.

As far as April goes - let's just say it's the 13th and I'm doing even worse. I love Easter candy. More than regular candy. Don't know where it stems from - my mom didn't really go crazy with candy in our baskets growing up, don't have any fond memories of an affair with Easter candy, I just love the stuff. Dove eggs are a weakness. I gave in and had some. And I also had Reece's Eggs, Milky Way eggs, Snicker Eggs, and jelly beans. Not all of this was inhaled in one sitting. I'm not sure that really matters because it was all inhaled at some point during the last two weeks. All of the things I practiced in previous months was put on the back burner and I numbed all my pain (what pain you ask? I'm still trying to figure that out) and shame with chocolate and sugar. Easter dinner was ham, steamed broccoli (who was I kidding with that), mashed potatoes, and rolls. I ate until I was sick.

I notice that when I'm eating healthy and have a piece of chocolate, I enjoy it. I savor every bite because I know I'm only having that one piece. When I'm using chocolate as my drug to numb - I don't taste anything - I just shovel it all in.

I don't want all of the previous work I've done to go to waste. I worked hard for every pound and I can't let my fears get the best of me. I've played this game my whole life - that's shitty to say - it's not a game it's my fucking life. Maybe that's part of the problem. I just don't get it. Anyway, I know that I was making progress because I was able to buy some clothes I actually liked. I don't want to spiral backwards and end up where I was a few months ago.

Basically, it's the same shit different day with me. Every post sounds exactly the same. I'm just going round in circles. I don't have any weight loss plans to finish out the month of April. I just want to hang on - keep trying to do better every day and hopefully end up with some loss for the month.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'll be visiting everyone tomorrow!

I'm back on my horse again

2009-03-24T20:50:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not sure what is / was going on, but I think I'm getting over it. I figured I should just put it out there so that it was 'on paper' so to speak. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me I just needed to vent for a minute this morning.

This month I tried to do something new. Not weigh myself for the entire month. Okay...that so did not happen. I check often, just haven't shared. I think that by ignoring my blog and others I've lost the connection with people who get me better than anyone. I've sort of checked out. I didn't do it intentionally.

I'm going to finish off my month (successful or not) and start April with a my Weighty Wednesdays again. I think that it holds me accountable and I want to do good.

I also wonder if getting under the 300 mark scares me subconsciously - I've got less than 20 pounds to get there and that seems attainable at this point. I should really be working my butt off to hit that magic 299 right? Just seems weird that I sabotage myself right before I get there. Something for me to explore.........

Guess that's all. I'm not quitting, cause I know it sounded that way this morning. I ate well and exercised tonight so all is well. Not to say I won't have another breakdown in the near future - but for now I'm hanging in there.

Going, going, gone....................

2009-03-24T05:54:00.001-04:00

Quick post - I've lost my motivation. I'm trying really hard to hang in there - but I'm struggling. I don't know if it's because I haven't been around blogville lately or what....

Oh yeah....

2009-03-15T20:09:00.002-04:00

This is not an OH YEAH, I lost 10 pounds this week. This is an oh yeah, I forgot to mention.....I'm not going to do my Weighty Wednesdays this month (only this month). Since I've given myself a huge # for this month I've decided to only weigh in once at the end of the month. It's so hard to watch the numbers fluctuate weekly that I don't want to get myself too discouraged.

Still hanging in there and exercising daily. Not as much as I'd like, but exercising just the same.

The ALS ride probably isn't going to pan out because of work and how far away it is (3 1/2 hours one way). So I'll continue to ride the bike and be ready for next year.

I just want to mention that I had a weak moment with some Girl Scout cookies. Being back at work is great. Just not the part where everyone wants you to help their kids be the top cookie seller in Girl Scouts. I'm such a people pleaser I just can't say no. So we had four boxes in the house. Two boxes of Thin Mints, 1 of the lemons, and another. They sat on the counter for four days - four days and I was fine. Then all of a sudden I had a hankering for one of those damn things. Did I eat just one. Hell no, I ate four. The boxes are now gone thank goodness and those little Girl Scouts are done selling in our area. Thank God!

Have a great week!

Springing forward

2009-03-08T20:31:00.002-04:00

It's been forever since I've actually sat down and shared anything. I made myself a list of things to do today and this is the last item to be checked off.

February sucked for me. I lost a total of 6 pounds the whole month. Now I know that I should look at that and be grateful that it wasn't a gain. I am. But, what I'm thinking is that I just wasn't all that focused last month. I took my measurements and nothing really changed - I lost an inch or two here and there. I wasn't pleased. I think that I used starting my job as an excuse. Eating hasn't been my problem it's keeping up with the exercise. When I was home I was working out 1 1/2 hours everyday. Now, not so much.

March hit and I got back with the program. Whatever the program is. I'm not on anything - I'm just doing my own thing. I know that there are a lot of people who have success following a program and that is awesome. Me, not so much. What I'm doing is working right now and that is what I'll continue. If I find that something changes and I need a new outlook, maybe WW. It seems to be the most effective program (in my opinion). Anway...March....I made it a goal to exercise everyday and to lose a total of 15 pounds this month. Yeah, it's a huge goal. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? Maybe. But, so far we're eight days into the month and I'm doing it. The 15 pounds is just so that I can make up for what I didn't lose in February, but if it doesn't happen that's okay. I'll live.

I've been toying with the idea of riding a 15 mile mountain bike ride for ALS (what my mom died from in October). I was very close to my mom. She was my best friend and this disease is awful. ALS is having a ride in Georgia next month and I've been thinking about doing it. 15 miles isn't much (probably a little over an hour ride) but for a 300 pound gal - it's a long ride. We bought a bike trainer and I've been riding everyday - I have to make a decision by this weekend. I don't even know if I can get the time away from work to do it??? I just figured it was for a good cause, and I would benefit in more ways than one (weight loss, exercise, helping others with ALS and a tribute to my mom who loved to ride).

Guess that's all --- I'll be trying to stay more up to date with everyone and comment a little more.

Spring is almost here! :-) Happy days!

And, check (off my list)

Weighty Wednesdays (on Thursday)

2009-03-05T05:56:00.001-05:00

Weight 2/25/09 - 326.6
Current Weight 3/5/09 - 324.6
Weight lost - 2

I didn't post last night because I was trying to get around to post comments on all other blogs. This is from yesterday though.

I haven't got to everyone's blogs yet - I'm so behind. I'll be visiting soon though. :-)

Weighty Wednesdays

2009-02-25T06:01:00.001-05:00

Weight 2/18/09 - 329.8
Current Weight 2/15/09 - 326.6
Weight lost - 3.2

Weighty Wednesdays

2009-02-18T20:32:00.000-05:00

Weight 2/11/09 - 329.8
Current Weight 2/18/09 - 329.8
Weight lost - 0 (goose egg, nothing, nada, zip, zilch.....you get the point)

Liar, Liar pants on fire

2009-02-14T21:54:00.003-05:00

So I told a fib. I said that I was going to get up @ 4:30 every morning last week and workout. I think it's more like drag my sorry, tired, unwilling ass out of my nice and toasty bed and workout. It didn't happen. Not once. I have a million excuses. It's cold (mind you it's been warmer here in the past week than usual), the first night I tossed and turned worried about work and didn't sleep much, uhmmmm...well maybe not a million. Basically what it boils down to is that I just didn't want it bad enough. I want to want it bad enough, but sleep is much more appealing at 4:30 in the morning.

Tuesday, my first day back to work, I did come home and make dinner and walked a mile on the treadmill (a whopping 20 minutes). Wednesday we had a huge storm and power outage for the night so that was a great excuse to go out to eat and since we had no power I couldn't do a video or walk on the treadmill. Guess walking outside was out of the question. Thursday came and went without exercise, and so did Friday. I knew that I was going to have to wake up early today and make myself exercise.

So I did. I walked 3.5 miles on my treadmill in 1 hour and 8 minutes. I was pretty happy with that. I'll probably do the same tomorrow.

I've got to get a plan together for the exercise though. I like to workout in the morning, it's just over and done with for the day. I just don't see myself doing it after work. I think I've got something figured out but I'm not posting about it until it happens. Wouldn't want to lie to everyone again.

Still eating well - it helps that I had the menu made for the month. I don't have to follow it in any order. As long as we have the ingredients to make the meal I can do what I feel like - it's been working so far.

I did go off the plan a little today (Valentine's Day). We had steak and shrimp for dinner. I only ate half my steak and a few shrimp. I also made a low calorie cupcake (190 if you can call that low calorie) that was pretty tasty. I hope you all had a nice day!

Weighty Wednesdays

2009-02-10T20:59:00.002-05:00

Weight 2/4/09 - 334
Current Weight 2/11/09 - 329.8
Weight lost - 4.2

I lost last weeks gain and a couple extra to top it off. :-)

Work

2009-02-09T20:42:00.003-05:00

Well tomorrow is my first day back to work. I'm excited. Normally I'd have the first day jitters, but I've worked here before so no anxiety on that front. What I am worried about though is figuring out how to juggle eating right, exercise, work, and life. I know it's done every day - but I struggle. I'm an emotional eater so when I have a bad day I use it as an excuse to gorge myself.

Since I've been worried about it I've worked on a plan, which is more than I've done in the past. I think that getting my exercise done in the morning before going to work is best. I don't see myself doing it after work (that's just me). So....I'll be waking up between 4:30-5:00AM to work out for 1 hour M-F. Holy shit that's early. Here's what I figure though - if I had to wake up this early for work I would. No questions, my butt would be out of bed and I'd be ready to go. My life is way more important than any job I'll ever have so this is something I need to do. I keep thinking how much it's going to suck when the time changes in Spring - but whatever. Just going to head to bed a little earlier. Dinners are planned for the month (yeah, I'm a little anal). I've got a menu up on the fridge and we'll just follow that. All of the meals on the "menu" are 20 minutes with minimal ingredients so it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

My biggest worry is falling off the wagon though. I've been pretty good and I don't want this to be my excuse to quit. So all my blogging friends, if you wouldn't mind, if you see me failing to post my weekly weigh ins maybe you could call me out? Nothing like a little guilt for the conscience right?

Weighty Wednesdays

2009-02-04T08:08:00.003-05:00

Weight 1/28/09 - 332.6
Current Weight 2/03/09 - 334
Weight gained - +1.4

I normally don't make too many comments on Wednesdays, but with a gain I figured I might want to reflect on the reasons why.

I'll start with the bad stuff:
1. We ate dinner out four times this week (Zaxbys, Salsaritas, Chilis, and a hamburger place last night). And, I didn't make the healthiest choices
2. I had a couple of candy bars (2) this week
3. I didn't exercise Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday last week
4. Let my emotions get the best of me
5. Didn't go grocery shopping and wasn't planned for this week (food wise)

Some good things:
1. I still exercised Wednesday, Thursday, and Monday
2. I got a job
3. Woke up today ready to face the gain and move on

Last week I just sucked. Plain and simple, no sugar coating it here.

February hit and all of a sudden I lost interest, I guess. I took my measurements on the first (which I was quite proud of) and then everything went out the window. Am I self sabotaging? Maybe? Maybe it was just a really off week?

Whatever the case is - I'm feeling better today.

I've changed up my exercise routine, I'll be working on a menu, and just working on me.

On a side note: I'm getting my hair chopped off today. I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't had it done in close to a year. It's an expense I couldn't justify while not working. Well....no more excuses I'm getting at least 7 inches cut off. Can't wait. I hate my hair long cause I never do anything but put it up in a ponytail.

Monthly Measurements

2009-02-01T08:33:00.004-05:00

February 1, 2009 Measurements

Wrist 7 (stayed the same)
Upper Arm 18.5 (loss .5 inch)
Neck 16 (loss 1 inch)
Chest 46 (loss 2 inches)
Waist 56 (loss 1.5 inches)
Hips 64 (loss 2 inches)
Thigh 31 (stayed same)
Calf 19 (lost .25 inch)

Blood Pressure 113/77
Blood Sugar 97

Since January 1 I have lost a total of 7.25 inches. WoooHooo! I was pretty excited about these #'s this month. It's so easy to get burnt out but this is great incentive. I still have a long way to go.

Weighty Wednesdays

2009-01-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

Weight 1/21/09 - 335.8
Current Weight 1/28/09 - 332.6
Weight lost - 3.2

Negative dreaming

2009-01-23T13:01:00.002-05:00

I'm a dreamer. I have tons of dreams at night - a lot of them quite weird (I won't share). Last night I had a dream that I was running. Now, first of all I don't run. Never have. Not sure if I ever will. Second, not sure why I was running. Anyway...I'm running on a track and along comes this woman I grew up with. We keep in contact, but it's only occasional. She passes me. I'm bothered by this (in my dream) and decide I need to keep up with her so I start hauling ass. I peter out quickly and don't really know what happens. Here is my issue - why did I feel the need to chase her? I was running at a good pace for me - but once she passed me - I felt the need to outdo her.

I'm just bothered by the fact I couldn't be happy about where I was at, ya know? Just doing my best getting the job done.

I probably shouldn't take the dream so literally. I just woke up thinking maybe this is why I don't succeed sometimes. I'm so worried about not being as good as someone that I quit (peter out) when I'm not.

Enough of that - I'm learning just to be okay with me. Some days are easier than others.

I guess it gave me the incentive to walk a little faster on the treadmill this morning. I was averaging about 3 miles in 1 hour and 5 minutes and I cut it down to 3 miles in 57 minutes. Yeah for me. :-)

Not sharing

2009-01-21T12:10:00.002-05:00

I've been wanting to participate in posts - on my own blog - lately and I just don't have anything interesting going on. Really!

Here is a day in the life of me -
Wake up
Eat breakfast
Work out
Take shower
Eat lunch
Husband calls to see how things are (5 minute conversation)
Watch TV
Go and get the mail
Make dinner
Eat dinner
Play Wii or watch TV
Read blogs
Go to bed
And start all over again.

I'm like a robot. I'm doing all of the healthy things I'm supposed to do I just don't have anything going on in between.

I don't feel like it's fair of me to just check in on Wednesday to post my weight and nothing else. How will I really fix this fat person in me if I don't share what I'm really feeling half the time? I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say so I don't.

I think I'm going to make it a goal to post something at least once a week (to start) and work from there.

For all of you who comment, I just want to say thank you. It means a lot that you just come by to see how my week was.

Weighty Wednesdays

2009-01-21T12:09:00.001-05:00

Weight 1/14/09 - 336.8
Current Weight 1/21/09 - 335.8
Weight lost - 1

Weighty Wednesdays

2009-01-14T08:59:00.001-05:00

Weight 1/7/09 - 342
Current Weight 1/14/09 - 336.8
Weight lost - 5.2

I'll take it.

Weighty Wednesdays

2009-01-07T08:06:00.002-05:00

Weight 12/31/08 - 343.6
Current Weight - 342
Weight lost - 1.6

Such a follower

2009-01-06T10:04:00.003-05:00

So while I was perusing other blogs I noticed that Losing Waist has sort of tagged anyone who follows her blog to list 10 interesting things about yourself...since I don't have a lot going on in my life I figured I'd jump on the wagon and share some things (may or may not be interesting) about me:

1. I am deathly afraid of bees. Any sort of bee (wasp, bumble, yellow jacket...you get the idea). It's a completely irrational fear since I've never been stung. If a bee comes near me (God forbid it lands on me) I run around with my arms flailing. It's quite funny. My husband couldn't stop laughing the first time he saw it happen. It's just a natural reaction too. Maybe I should just keep the bees around so that I would run. :-)

2. I have flat feet. It's a real pain the butt. I can't wear the cute little sandals because my foot hangs over. Since I've been walking so much I've got blisters where my arches should be.

3. October 2 is an interesting date for me. It was my mom's delivery due date for me in 1971. In 2003 my mother in law passed away after hitting her head on a table and never waking up. My mom had to put her dog to sleep that same day in 2003, and finally my mom died October 2, 2008.

4. I dated someone who went to jail. I was in my early 20's and we had gone out a couple of times. He ended up in jail and I went to visit a few times. Finally got a clue...I was young.

5. My husband never really proposed to me. We were driving around talking about it and we just sort of ended up at a jewelry store. It's the one thing that bugs me about our relationship. I secretly wish I had one of those romantic proposals.

6. I love to cook/bake. I'm a Food Network junkie. Every Saturday I'm watching. Probably not the best thing for a fattie. I don't make everything I see - I honestly just love to get their tips. Giada & Ellie Krieger usually make fairly healthy meals.

7. I miss California like crazy. I was born and raised in the Bay Area - we moved because we couldn't afford to buy a home there. I miss the beach/ocean. I miss the diversity. I miss the fresh fruit and produce. You just don't understand the difference in freshness. I never thought it would be such a problem. We live in Knoxville and they have no idea of what fresh produce is. I miss my family and friends. And, I miss Chipotle, Baja Fresh, and In & Out Burger....yeah I know they aren't healthy choices.

8. I'd really love to find a job in the medical field, preferably radiology or respiratory therapy. I'm too afraid to make the jump. I've been doing accounting/office work for the past 15 years and I'm so unhappy. But, I know it. It's not fulfilling.

9. I'm not afraid to die. Weird I know. After watching someone you love die - it's quite peaceful.

10. We have two English Bulldogs. Millie (named after the Millennium - she was born in 2000) and Feta (yes like the cheese - we didn't name her she was adopted). They are both going to be nine this year. They are like my kids. I don't dress them or anything, but they are quite spoiled.

Guess that's all.................

Monthly Measurements

2009-01-02T07:55:00.002-05:00

Wrist 7
Upper Arm 19
Neck 17
Chest 48
Waist 57.5
Hips 66
Thigh 31
Calf 19.25
Blood Pressure 113/71
Blood Sugar 97

Lost a few inches here and there, nothing too significant.

LET THE COUNT DOWN BEGIN!!!!

2008-12-31T11:37:00.003-05:00

10. This is the # of pounds I would like to lose a month (I'll take more though)
9. September (9 Months) I'd like to weigh 275 (or less)
8. Our eight year wedding anniversary - I'd like to take a trip somewhere nice and not be worried about my weight (yeah I'll still be around 275 but it's less than 350)
7. I can't think of a damn thing - so screw seven. :-)
6. Time I'd like to wake up every morning and work out.
5. Golden rings (oh wait wrong holiday) # of miles I'd like to walk each day eventually
4. # of pounds to lose before getting down to 339
3. # of job offers I'd like to have (ASAP)
2. # of times I'd like to walk a 5k next year (not run - thank you very much)
1. Last, I'd like to wish all of my new blogging buddies a very Happy 2009 - thanks for all of your support in 2008. Much success to all of us in the coming year!

Weighty Wednesdays

2008-12-31T10:30:00.003-05:00

Weight 12/17/08 - 346.6
Current Weight - 343.6
Weight lost - 3

I skipped last weeks weigh in....hmmmmm, oh well.

I lost close to 10 pounds this month. I'll take it. I usually gain 10 pounds in December so this is a huge step for me. Who diets during the holidays? Can't wait for 2009!

Christmas, family, weight...

2008-12-29T12:13:00.002-05:00

I hope that everyone had a very nice holiday.

My husband and I drove down to Georgia to spend Christmas with my dad. This is the first Christmas since my mom died. We had all talked about it and decided we weren't really going to do anything. We'd just spend time together and have a nice dinner. No tree, no gifts, no decorations. Not this year. There really wasn't one specific reason for this - I'm not working, my mom not being here...it just seemed like the plan for this year. When we got to my dad's house he decorated the inside. It was really nice of him, but it upset me because he hung all of the stockings. My mom made new stockings for all of us every year. It was hard to see (in a good way). I cried a little. I saw that he stuffed each stocking with some stuff too. He said it wouldn't be right not to celebrate. I felt bad because I stuck to the original plan. Anyway...it was a very emotional day but a good one too.

My dad lives in a really small town out in the middle of nowhere. There are lots of places to walk so that is what I did every morning. I walked around 2.5 miles everyday. I felt great doing it too. Normally when we're there we sort of veg out. He lives on a lake and it's just like a nice little vacation. My dad walked with me a couple of mornings and it was nice to talk to him. I think that he was very surprised I could walk the distance (and at a good pace too). He quit walking after a mile - I would continue each morning.

After getting home from my walk Saturday my dad said he was really proud of me. He said that he would like to see me lose some weight. No shit sherlock. My dad and I have a really weird relationship regarding my weight. He doesn't understand what it is like to be heavy or struggle with weight. He thinks that you just eat less and exercise more and it all falls off. I've tried to talk to him and explain that a lot of my issues aren't only with the food and exercise. They are also emotional issues. He doesn't get it though. I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I don't know where it stems from and I'm trying to figure it out. So...back to my dad and his comment. I told him that I knew he'd like for me to lose the weight, I'd also like to lose it too. It's not like I love waking up every morning in this body. I explained that I didn't like to talk to him about it because of his lack of compassion/understanding and I think maybe he got it? I think since my mom died he's really trying to be a different person.

As my husband and I were leaving for home my dad said he was really proud and I should keep the walking up. I said thanks. I told him that when he calls he can't ask me if I've walked or how much I've walked because that will just annoy me. He agreed. :-)

We had a nice holiday all things considered.

I ate far too much and I'm hoping that I can break even for the month???? We shall see Wednesday.

Dream

2008-12-29T07:53:00.002-05:00

I had a dream I was enjoying some Oreo Cookies....thank goodness we don't have any in the house, who knows what I would have done!

Take the good with the bad

2008-12-23T21:32:00.002-05:00

So a few things I'm proud of this week (and a few I need to work on)

Good things:
1. I walked 15.65 miles, it's actually more but I wasn't wearing my nifty little tracking device. And no, it's not a ankle monitor. LOL
It's a Lifesource Wireless Activity Monitor
It's been helpful tracking calories/time/steps - but it's not perfect by any means. First of all...far too expensive. We only paid $39.99 so it was a better deal than most places. The second problem is that the battery isn't replaceable. It is accurate though, if I walk 2.5 miles on my treadmill the software shows that same information. So, it's been helpful.

2. I baked cookies/goodies for the holidays three days straight. I only had a few bites of things. Normally I'd test all of the dough and then have a few cookies to top it off. This time I had my husband be the guinea pig. It worked out great.

3. I tried to stay positive after my last "I'm pissed" post. I got over it and got back on my trusty little treadmill and threw in a few walking videos as well.

Bad things:
1. Tested cookies. Not a lot - but still tested a few.

2. We had take out twice this week and I made bad choices. I knew I was making them too. I have to live with the scale now. I take full responsibility. I was tired from all of the baking and didn't want to cook dinner.

3. Didn't work out for two days this week (Saturday & today)

So, I'll take the good with the bad. It's not the end of the world. We're heading down to Georgia for the Christmas break.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Christmas.

Be back before the new year - and I really hope that I'm at the same weight. No promises though!

I'm pissed

2008-12-17T07:53:00.003-05:00

CRAP!!
I've gone up 1.2 pounds this week. I swear it better be muscle or water. I have worked my buns off (literally). I got on the scale Sunday, because I'm obsessed, and I saw that I had gained weight. I couldn't figure it out. I've been eating very healthy, watching the portions, and exercising like crazy. Some days I've walked five miles. I've only been doing this a couple of weeks so what gives? Can't have a plateau after two weeks, right??? It's very difficult to accept this because I have been working so hard.

Alright, I'm done ranting. I guess it is what it is and I've got to get over it. All part of the bigger picture. It still sucks though. I'm just going to continue to do what I'm doing and hopefully it will reflect in the #'s for next week.

I just want to say how hard it is to post when you've gained weight. I'm more than willing to put myself out there when I've lost weight. I thought about not posting, maybe even posting but keeping my weight the same. I figured if I did that the only person I'm really hurting is myself. I guess I just don't want to be judged for gaining weight. That is completely ridiculous I know. Everyone I've talked to has been so supportive and incredible, but it is still a fear I have.

Weighty Wednesday

2008-12-17T07:52:00.001-05:00

Weight 12/10/08 - 345.4
Current Weight - 346.6
Weight gained - 1.2

Why do I feel this way?

2008-12-12T08:17:00.002-05:00

So yesterday was a weird day for me. I had some errands to run and I knew I wasn't going to walk. Figured it was ok, one day isn't going to hurt. I started my morning off with a bowl of cereal and a banana. Went to the grocery to pick up some miscellaneous things, came home and baked Mexican cornbread for my husband's potluck today, ate lunch (WW frozen meal w/ a tangerine) and then while I was cutting the corn bread it happened - I took a piece. One piece turned into two and then three (they weren't huge pieces, but not the point). What the hell was that? I don't know what happened. Anyway....it's not the eating the cornbread that is throwing me it's the guilt. The rest of the night I had such guilt over not getting on the treadmill (which I could have done at any point), and eating a few pieces of the cornbread. I just couldn't shake it. I guess it's just that I've been doing so well and cornbread threw me off my game a little. Stupid, I know. I didn't do anything wrong really - we had a healthy dinner and I stopped eating @ 7:00PM like always. Looking at it today - it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I think it's just the way my brain is wired - it's all or nothing for me. I have to learn how to be in the middle and ok with mistakes. It's good to blog about it though - it puts it on paper and I'm able to look at it in another way.
Today is a new day though and as soon as I'm done posting I'm getting on the treadmill. And, I'll be walking more today since I skipped yesterday.

Good Week

2008-12-10T08:27:00.002-05:00

I think I'm back on track again. I've been on my treadmill everyday (but Sunday). I walk about 2.4 miles, I also have been trying to do some LIGHT weights on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I've also been cooking healthier meals and eating the right portions.

All of that being said, I've done this a million times before. I'm not sure what causes me to fall off track over and over. Pretty much anything can though. I'm not working right now and that is not a good thing. I've been looking for work, but with the economy jobs just aren't out there. There is a good reason to fall off track (at least in my head it would be). Christmas is coming and I love to bake. I also love to test all of the doughs (I have to make sure they're good)...another good reason. The New Year....I could always wait to start the New Year off with a resolution to lose weight.........you get the point. I wish that I lived in the present and could just be aware of all of the pitfalls, but when you've used food all of your life to hide what you're really feeling - it's hard to get out of the habit.

I should be thin - really thin. I have all of the books; Bob Green (2), Jorge Cruise, Suzanne Somers, Dr. Phil......I have all of the tapes, Leslie Sansone, Tye Bo, Pilates, The Firm.........and I have the equipment, a treadmill, bike, tae bo punching bag, steps, weights, and on and on....I'm a sucker for new exercise gadgets. I'd love to have an elliptical trainer....I see that there are a lot of people who use that rather than the treadmill....Maybe when I get a job???

I guess what I'm getting around to is that I'm not fooled by my weight loss this week. I have lost a lot more than that in previous attempts. I'm just trying to live in the present and figure out what causes me to run to chocolate (or anything) when life gets hard. Until I figure it out though, I'll take my seven pounds for this week and keep on chugging along.

Weighty Wednesday

2008-12-10T08:24:00.001-05:00

Weight 12/3/08 - 353
Current Weight - 345.4
Weight Lost - 7.6

The Truth Shall Set You Free

2008-12-04T08:09:00.002-05:00

My weight went up from about two weeks ago. I'd love to say that it was because of Thanksgiving, but it wasn't. I actually lost a pound or so. I gave myself permission to have a crappy couple of days because of my mom's birthday. I knew I wouldn't be feeling very happy so I let my issues take control and ate away. I think that the worst thing I ate was a thing of cake frosting. I know I'm so embarrassed to admit this, how could someone eat the whole tub of frosting, but I did it. I could feel the sugar running through my veins. I hated how I felt after and I'm not even sure what made me do it. I knew that I was going to be feeling lousy so I should have been more aware and had a plan. But, my plan was to cheat. Those two days passed and I woke up feeling great yesterday (Wednesday). I walked 2.3 miles on the treadmill, cleaned the house, ate really well throughout the day, and drank all my water. I'm planning on getting back on the treadmill this morning and walking again.

I just don't understand why I choose to eat unhealthy when I feel better eating healthy things. I'll start my morning off well...and then this unwelcome monster sits right next to me and eggs me on to eat crap. I try very hard not to keep that kind of food in the house, but it's amazing what you can come up with when you're feeling desperate. I've made so many different kind of concoctions out of what I can find in the pantry. Or worse, I'll bake something. You really only need flour, sugar, butter, and eggs. We always have those things on hand. I just don't get it. That's pretty obvious, as my weight shows.

I'm afraid of what this is doing to me on the inside. Cancer, Diabetes, Heart Disease, Obesity, and more I can't think of all run in my family. Those are the big boys though. Why do I continue to do these things when I know all of these things run in my family. I think because I don't have high blood pressure (126/87 took this morning), haven't been diagnosed with diabetes, and I feel pretty good most days that I just overlook it. I don't feel like I weigh 353 pounds. I know I do, but my body just doesn't feel like it. My fear is that one day I'll wake up with some of these problems and my body will feel like I weigh 353. I just watched my mom die trapped in a body that quit on her - I don't want to have that same fate.

I hope that by posting here, talking to others, and just keep chugging along I'll figure it out. Right now I'd be happy at any weight under 300.

Monthly Measurements

2008-12-04T08:04:00.002-05:00

Wrist 7.25
Upper Arm 19 (holy crap)
Neck 17
Chest 49.5
Waist 58
Hips 68
Thigh 31
Calf 19.5 (my arm is a 1/2 inch smaller - that's so sad)

I figured I'd take my measurements the beginning of every month - just a way to track them. Nothing to be proud of - but it's on "paper" and staring me in the face. I hope that this will be some motivation!

Weighty Wednesdays

2008-12-04T08:02:00.001-05:00

Starting Weight: 357
Current Weight: 353

December 2008

2008-12-01T10:53:00.000-05:00

What does December mean for me?

Well...this year, tomorrow actually, would have been my mom's 58th birthday. She died two months ago. I think tomorrow is going to be a really hard day for me. I wanted to do something special to remember her, but I just can't come up with anything creative. We've already planted a tree. I thought about going to the beach and letting some balloons go (not mylar), but we live so far away and my husband has to work.

Christmas is also this month. It's another reminder that I don't have a job and we really can't afford to do anything for anyone. I love Christmas, but this year won't be the same because my mom isn't here.

December is usually a time I reflect on the last year. I've already started to go over some of the things that have happened and none of it has been really positive:

Got a great job, making great money (quit to take care of my mom)
Gained weight (about 30 pounds)
My mom died (how many times can I mention that huh?)
I don't have a job

I'm sure I can put a spin on all of those things to make them positive like,

Job was stressful, never home, quitting gave me the most wonderful precious time with my mom
oooohhh....no positives here. Excuses though, moved into my parents house -didn't care about food just what was good for my mom
She's not suffering anymore
Lots of time to spend at home making healthy meals and exercising

So....there you have it. None of them feel very positive though. My goals for December are quite simple.
1. Continue exercising
2. Watch portions
3. Lose 15 pounds

So.....we'll see. I think 15 pounds is stretching it a bit, but I really think I can do it. And if not, any loss will be awesome!!!

I've got the blahs

2008-11-21T09:49:00.001-05:00

I don't know why? But, I've got the blahs today. I woke up and just didn't feel like doing anything.

I hate when this happens. Normally what I'll do is use this as an excuse to sit around all day and give into the snacking monster that is sitting on my shoulder. It'll be a fight a first, I'll go into the pantry look around, tell myself I don't need it, walk to the fridge look around, tell myself I don't need it, and then....wham apparently I need it. I'll find something unhealthy and indulge. We really don't have a lot of unhealthy food in the house, but there are a few things. I won't just have one piece, one bite, a taste....nope I'll eat the whole freakin' thing. Once I've given into it you'd think I'd stop, but my puny little brain says "well you blew it Christy, may as well continue".

I hate that I don't have a little off button that says stop. I guess I have the off button I just don't know how to use it. I'm learning though. I've finally gotten to the point where I realize that if I have a bad day, that's ok. That doesn't mean that I have to give up everything I've accomplished so far. It's been really hard to retrain my brain to think that too. Usually, if I screwed up that was just it for me....end of diet.

I guess it's ok to have a blah day every now and again. It's just learning how to have a blah day without eating everything in sight.

Goals

2008-11-19T11:28:00.001-05:00

I was reading some other blogs and a few people have compiled a list of their goals. I came across one blog that went back to their goals and wrote about if they were achieved or not. I loved the idea. I'm working on a list of goals for 2009. Obviously my main goal is to lose weight. But, it's not that simple. What I'm really hoping to figure out is why all this weight? What happened that made me 356 pounds. I'm not an idiot. I know lack of exercise and over eating is the reason. But, what makes me gravitate towards food when I'm sad, mad, anxious, etc..... I haven't had that "Ah-ha" moment. I've seen pictures of myself at this weight, heard comments made, felt the aches and pains, but just haven't had that moment some people say they have.

My goal for this year is quite simple. I would like to continue on the path I'm on now. Right now my focus is on exercise. I figure that is a good start. I don't know why I don't want to exercise some days. I feel great after I do it, my clothes fit better and, my body hurts less and less. Yet, some days I still fight that "I don't feel like it" feeling. I've been good at fighting it though. I've been walking on my treadmill for the past month. I've gotten better everyday too. I'm up to 2.1 miles (I started off at 1 mile). I'm proud of that.

Sounds simple - I just want to make it that simple.

2008-11-17T21:16:00.000-05:00

Not really sure where or how to start.

I've been fat my entire life. I don't have any memories of being a little girl. There was a short period in my early 20's where I weighed about 185 pounds - and the worst part is I never realized it. I just thought I was huge. I have a few of those pictures hanging up on a board and I just wish that I was that fat now.

I could sit here and say I don't know how/when/why I got this big. It would be a lie though. I take full responsibility for all 349 pounds. I'm embarrassed, disgusted, ashamed, but mostly I'm disappointed that I let it get so out of control.

I've been secretly reading blogs for a few weeks now. I'm truly inspired by so many of you. I can relate to a lot of you - especially those who have a lot to lose. It seems that this is a great venue to share feelings about weight, food, dieting, and life as a fat person in general.

My hope is to blog about all of these things and maybe make a few friends while doing so.