How do I start all over

How do I do this? That's where I'm at right now. I'm disgusted with myself because I'm basically back to where I started and I'm not even trying. I'm actually doing the opposite - it's like I'm on a runaway train. Food in, don't feel the hurt, more food in, feed the pain, more food in, now your clothes don't fit, more food in, more food in, more food in. How do I get back into the mindset I was in when I was doing all the right stuff? How? Why don't I want to feel good, why don't I want to feel proud of myself, why don't I want my clothes to look decent again, why don't I want to feel winded when carrying my daughter around, why, why, why....
I don't know. Everyday I wake up I feel good about the day. That feeling is shot by the end of the day. How does something so important become not so important by the end of the day? How?
I can't tell you how disappointed I am in myself -
I suppose I'll wake up tomorrow and feel like it's a new day. God I hope it really is a new day because right now - I hate the person I am.

2010 almost 2011

Where have I been?

Since my last post, so much has happened. I did continue my weight loss journey and actually got down to 268 pounds, my lowest in a lot of years. I was walking almost 7 miles a day (on good days at least). I also incorporated some weight training into my daily activities.

Then...in January I had the most exciting news ever. I was pregnant. Something I've waited for my entire life. I'm sure that the weight loss had everything to do w/ my success in conceiving. So I continued walking for a few weeks after I found out. Then when it was medically confirmed I was just so scared to exercise for fear of losing the baby. Stupid I know, but it's how I felt. I wish I had continued for several reasons.

Fast forward to September and I gave birth via C-section to a beautiful baby girl. Life is pretty amazing.

Fast forward to now...my weight is back up to 325. Shit is all I have to say.

My fear in having a daughter is the fear of her having this weight issue as her burden. I vowed to lose this weight for many reasons, and now I have the biggest one of all. I can not let her know what it's like to be made fun of, not enjoy life, worry about what people think, or what clothes will fit, and the million other negative thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. I've stayed away from the blog because I just felt like the pregnancy was the most important thing and now I've done that so I need to get back to a healthy place.

My hope is that this blog will work like it did the first time. Sharing my stuff with others and reading other blogger's stuff will kick my butt into gear.

Here's hoping that I'll end 2010 on a smaller note and continue my healthy journey in 2011!

Many Heartfelt thanks; M.I.A.; Anticipation; Goals; What ifs

First, let me say thanks to everyone who checked on me. There were a few of you who went above and beyond and I can’t thank you enough. Losing Waist http://losingwaist.blogspot.com and Fixing Myself Thinner http://bbubblyb.blogspot.com are true inspirations and I hope I can be that someday too. Losing Waist was one of my first buddies in this journey. I felt a huge connection with her from the start. When I finish reading some of her posts I feel like I’ve just gone through a deep counseling session and feel rejuvenated. Fixing Myself Thinner – well what can I say? She’s a true inspiration. She’s what I want to be when I lose weight. I’m in awe of both of these beautiful women and can’t thank them enough for their support. Now, that isn’t to say that no one else supported me because that is not the case – these two women just seemed to get me more than anyone.

I’ve been absent from this world for a few months. It sure doesn’t feel like that though. I think because I’ve been keeping up with most of you. Yep, I still read your entries almost daily. I think I may be a stalker….YIKES! I stopped commenting when I stopped blogging. I don’t have a particular reason. I just wasn’t inspired to share anything. I think that every time I sat down to write nothing popped into my head. It just reiterated the fact that I really don’t have a life. I let my weight get in the way of that years ago. I also had some internal competition issues. I was comparing myself to anyone and everyone who was the same age or close to the same weight (in blogland). If I didn’t lose as much as them I felt defeated. I saw myself going into a bad place and decided I needed to pull away from this for a little while. No one made me feel this – it was something I did to myself. I think it’s a way for me to try and fit in. It’s all I’ve ever wanted my whole life – to fit in. I’m 37 years old you’d think I’d be over that by now – but sometimes that stuff just doesn’t go away.

Anticipation can be a good thing. I’m anticipating a huge thing to happen in the next week or two. I’ll be under 300 pounds. It’s been 8 years, that I know of, since being there. This number is huge. At least it is in my head. I think that when I step on that scale and see that #, I’ve got this false impression of what is going to happen. Imagine fireworks exploding, people screaming, and an overall kind of peaceful happy feeling. Oh lord – totally unreal expectations. I know that. Please don’t try to counsel me and tell me that just by hitting that number it won’t fix everything – I do know that. But, I’ve tried to get below this fucking # for the past eight plus years – if I want to hear a few firecrackers then I think I should. I think I need something to validate how hard I’ve worked to get here. Yes, I have so much more to go – but it’s okay. I’ve reached a goal – I want to celebrate it. And not with food.

So with the above being mentioned I guess that you can see I didn’t fall off the wagon. I’ve tripped up quite a few times. I thought I’d be a little further along, but I’m not, and I’m dealing with it. I have figured out a few ways to fit exercising back into my day. When I started working again (February) I had a hard time working things out so that I could fit exercise & eating right into a day. Seems like it would be a fairly easy thing to do – but I struggled. I wake up @ 5:00AM to get ready for work, leave the house by 7:00AM, get home @ 5:00ish. Make dinner – get done between 6:00 – 6:30PM and then have to do things around the house. And then go to bed. Weekends end up w/ us running the errands we can’t do on the weekdays. Originally my goal was to start waking up @ 4:00AM and getting an hour in before work. Yeah….that sucked the couple times I did it. I was zonked by 8:00PM. So – now I walk during my lunch hour. I walk for 40 minutes. And it’s really put a dent in my calorie deficit. I got a bodybugg – which I think is the most fantastic tool a person can have. Yes, they are expensive, but I swear it pays for itself when you start to see that sitting on your ass all day doesn’t burn enough calories to wipe out what you’ve eaten (even if it’s only 1200 calories). I’m more aware of things now, and I’ll think twice before shoving some sort of yummy wonderful in my pie hole. I also have tried to work out an hour when I get home at night. All different things – a 4 mile Walk Away the Pounds, the Wii, treadmill, bike, whatever I’m in the mood for that day. It doesn’t happen every day – but it does happen and in the last month I’ve seen an improvement in my weight loss.

My goals change daily. Really, the only goal I have at this point is to continue on with whatever I’m doing. When I get bored change it up, when I hit a plateau figure out how to get through it (both physically and emotionally), when I gain weight – don’t let all the hard work I’ve done thus far go down the drain. Of course there are numerical goals – but nothing set in stone. If there is anything I’ve learned the past few months is to just go with the flow. Sounds good on paper – wish I could just follow that advice. I’ve got a goal # to hit in November w/ my BodyBugg and I’m off track by a few pounds. Damn it! But, it’s still something to shoot for and it keeps me on my toes. I have bad days. Some days when I get home from a stressful day at work I see me slipping into old habits. It’s amazing when you aren’t keeping up with your emotions they take control and you’re on autopilot. I head into our pantry and grab a snack, make dinner, snack a little on that, there is no off button. Feed the emotions, don’t let those people hurt you, feed yourself, that will fill the empty space in your head/heart. Just do it. I’m lucky that my job really isn’t that stressful, some days are worse than others. I know that this is going to be a lifelong battle. For the first time in forever, I think I can get through it. I’m still very fearful that I’ll go back into my old patterns. They were how I lived for most of my life – it’s comfortable.

I was talking to my husband over breakfast at Cracker Barrel Sunday morning. Going out for breakfast is quite an amazing thing for me to do – I don’t like to go out to eat. I don’t want people to judge the fat girl and what she eats. I realize that most people going out to breakfast are not really interested in me and I need to get over myself. I know it’s my own hang-ups – but they are my hang-ups. Anyway…we were talking about this new upcoming fantastical goal I’m going to achieve. I told him that I was proud of myself – I can’t say that about too many things I’ve done. But, this is the most amount of weight I’ve ever lost and I’m happy about it. Excited about it. But, on top of being excited and happy, I’m also scared to death. I told him that a fear is getting back to where I was when this journey started. It’s a very real fear. I asked – what is going to keep me from going back to that place? And, his sweet answer was that “you don’t want to go back there”. Awwwww….such a simple answer. I laughed and sort of cried on the inside. I never wanted to weigh that much. NEVER! It wasn’t my goal in life to get so morbidly obese that I wasn’t comfortable doing anything. I didn’t want to have to shop in specialty clothing stores and spend huge amounts of money on clothes I hated wearing, but had no choice because it was all that fit. I never wanted to be noticeably absent from pictures because every time I saw myself I wanted to slit my throat. You get the idea – I NEVER wanted to be there. But, I was. I was very there. And for a long time. So why is this time different? What if….I start to slip? What if…..I don’t recover from the slip up? What if….a gain of 20 pounds turns into a gain of 40 in a month? All fears. And all valid fears in my opinion. I can sit here and say I’ll never do that to myself again – but hell I did it the first time – what is going to keep me from going back to old habits. My answer – I don’t have a clue. I don’t know how I will push myself to lose more weight, or keep myself from gaining what I’ve lost. I just don’t know how I will. I have new tools this time – so that’s good. I’m older, and realize how much my weight affects my health………but they are just reasons. I know to “never say never” things happen. For now, I’m not concentrating on the what ifs. They are always in the back of my head trying to discourage me and take me off track – but for now – I’m trying just to live in the now. And it’s so damn hard – I’m a planner.

Like I said earlier – you’ve all been so amazingly supportive. More supportive than any of my family (excluding hubby cause he’s been my biggest supporter), or friends I have. I appreciate it more than you can ever know. Just reading one comment to know that someone else is struggling with all the shit I am – it’s just comforting that maybe we can get through it.

I can’t promise I’ll be back often. I really am a woman of few words (uhhhhmmmm….maybe not this entry). I probably will get back to commenting on your entries though. Got to get back into the mix of things – supporting my friends.

This weekends random thoughts

Pictures.
I hate pictures with a passion. I just hate what they do to me emotionally. I took a picture a few months into this try at weight loss and haven’t really taken any others since. This weekend my dad got a new camera and was shooting pics of my husband and myself while kayaking. Have you ever thought that you were doing really well, looking decent? And then you see a picture. Boy it can change everything. See, I have this issue – I don’t feel like a person who weighs this much. But, seeing that picture this weekend, I am a person who weighs this much. I’ve been avoiding the kayak for three years. I just knew I wouldn’t fit in it, or since I am so big I would tip over fall out, whatever the fear was I let it take over. This weekend I just bit the bullet and tried it out. Getting in it was a pain, and the initial lowering into the water was scary. Scary enough that I thought about quitting. As I was sitting in the kayak laughing, but freaked out I just said – what are you so afraid of? Falling in the water? Geez, that would be terrible. You’ve never been wet before. Really – that is the worst thing that would have happened. So I let go and just figured it out. I had the best time. I could just kick myself for not trying it sooner. Everyone was really surprised by how far I was able to go (myself included). I had fun. It’s a great workout too. Not really aerobic, but great for the arms, back, and core. Anyway…my husband and I rode around the lake for about a ½ hour and all the while my dad was snapping pictures. We went in to look at them and I couldn’t believe what (who) I saw. Who is that fat girl sitting in the kayak. Oh, that’s me. I really don’t feel like that girl. The roll around my stomach is so freaking huge – I get the whole spare tire reference. I think my tire is for a big rig. The chin – or should I say chins – oh my. Now, I should mention that once you get into this kayak everything kind of gets pushed up – I have a lot to push up. I was disappointed that I still looked so heavy. I know I am heavy. Obviously the scale does not lie, or the size of my clothing. I just didn’t think I looked that big. I guess it’s extra incentive to get back to my exercise routine. Another 40 pounds (almost) and next time it will be a little better.

My dad.
I have a weird relationship with him. He’s from the South and sometimes the views men have of women here are a little different that views I grew up with on the West Coast. My dad and I have butted heads since I was a little girl. I can remember going days without talking to him when I was four or five. I don’t think that’s normal to be that mad. Anyway – we had a conversation about my weight, which is always fun. Somehow this man thinks he understands what it is to be where I am, because he has a weight problem (he has to lose 20 pounds). I don’t have a weight problem. I have several issues that have caused a morbid obesity problem. I told him that a friend of mine had a gastric bypass. He asked why I haven’t done that yet. I told him that I’d thought about it a million times, but that I just didn’t think it was the solution for me. I told him that I needed to figure out what it was that was causing me to do this to myself. We talked for about an hour and it just went nowhere. It’s frustrating that he isn’t sympathetic. He thinks he’s being that, but it comes off as being a jerk. I’m not writing all of this to bash my dad – I’m just trying to deal with all of the feelings that come up when I talk to him about weight. After that conversation, I went up to bed and started to cry. My husband had no idea what happened. I think everything just caught up with me. I was fine a few minutes later – I think I may have needed a release after the conversation.

On a whole the weekend went really well, emotionally. I was lacking in the eating healthy and exercising department but I’m home now so back to baby steps

Playing Victim

My last post was a little on the “woe is me” side. I made all of the bad choices and I knew that there would be consequences for them. I guess what I posted was more for me – I need to know where I’m at, and start living in the now (as stated by: http://foolsfitness.blogspot.com). I appreciate all of the support. You have all been amazing and stuck with me, cheering me on. While I may not get around to everyone to say how much this all means to me – I am reading each post and trying to take it to heart. All of the advice, support, calling me out, it’s all very helpful.

The past three days have been better. I’m back to baby steps again. I think I was putting all of my eggs in one basket – I have to lose this much or I’m a failure sort of thinking. It’s a hard habit to break. Do you ever get over that part of it? Beating up oneself because a day, a week, a month, a lifetime of failure? I know that this isn’t a quick fix thing. I get that. But, those humps, when you’re feeling like a complete failure, and eating like crap sounds better than getting on the treadmill, how do you just kick it in to high gear. When we start watching our weight in the beginning it seems so easy. Eat right, exercise, be happy. But then a few months in, things aren’t happening fast enough (I know that there has been a lot of talk about this circulating around (http://losingwaist.blogspot.com) (http://ninjakitteestyle.blogspot.com) blog world. Is it just the time? Looking back at a lot of the things I’ve done in my life – I quit half way through. I always find some excuse to not finish. I don’t like it, they don’t like me, I’m too fat to be a part of it, I can’t………all crap. I can do it. I know that. Reading all of the success stories I am inspired. I want to be like all of you. I guess I just want it now. Not a year, two years, or five years from now. I WANT IT NOW!!! Sounding like a two year old throwing a tantrum now. Playing victim again. STOP IT!!!

I don’t have anyone holding a gun to my head saying “eat this or die lady”. Hmmm…light bulb moment – I’m holding the gun to my head. It’s just in a different way – eat this lady and die. Got off track there sorry – I’m not saying that I’ve had some fantastic revelation and now I’m cured of all negative thinking, my food choices will all be good, and I’ll exercise like a maniac. I’m just saying that this time (from November of 2008 –not today) I feel different than any other time I’ve tried to do this. That is the whole reason I started this blog. My only hope is that my intuition is right. Even though I have this feeling – I still have those moments of doubt, like the ones from just two days ago. Does any of this make any sense? I feel like I’m rambling, saying all of the things that need to be said but not really living those things. How appropriate.

This weekend should be nice. I’m heading down to my dad’s house in Georgia. I haven’t been there since December – I’ve lost 30 pounds since then. I’m hoping that the weather is good. We’ve been without the sun here for the last week or so and I’m so over it. This morning I wore a short sleeve sweater to work in hopes that it would lure out that little warm MoFo but no – the rat bastard stayed behind the clouds all day. Coward. Yeah, I’m a nutcase. I’m just sick of grey gloomy days! But, I digress – the weather there is always warmer so I’m hoping we can spend some time out at the lake – I wanted to try out the kayak and maybe do some hiking. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Again, thanks for the amazing words of kindness and support. They mean the world to me. I’ll stop playing victim and kick my own ass for a while.

From my heart

I'm beyond struggling. I spent my weekend failing. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted, and disappointed. How did I get back to this place? Why?

I had this fantastic goal & plan for the month of March. It started off great. I exercised everyday in the beginning. I even managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:30AM one morning to walk 2 miles before heading out to work. I felt awesome the whole day and slept like a log that night. Somewhere in the middle of March it all went to hell. I stopped exercising, updated the blog, checking in with other bloggers, and not being careful with my food choices. I don't know what set me back. I wish I had kept a journal or blogged to see where things started to shift in a negative direction.

As far as April goes - let's just say it's the 13th and I'm doing even worse. I love Easter candy. More than regular candy. Don't know where it stems from - my mom didn't really go crazy with candy in our baskets growing up, don't have any fond memories of an affair with Easter candy, I just love the stuff. Dove eggs are a weakness. I gave in and had some. And I also had Reece's Eggs, Milky Way eggs, Snicker Eggs, and jelly beans. Not all of this was inhaled in one sitting. I'm not sure that really matters because it was all inhaled at some point during the last two weeks. All of the things I practiced in previous months was put on the back burner and I numbed all my pain (what pain you ask? I'm still trying to figure that out) and shame with chocolate and sugar. Easter dinner was ham, steamed broccoli (who was I kidding with that), mashed potatoes, and rolls. I ate until I was sick.

I notice that when I'm eating healthy and have a piece of chocolate, I enjoy it. I savor every bite because I know I'm only having that one piece. When I'm using chocolate as my drug to numb - I don't taste anything - I just shovel it all in.

I don't want all of the previous work I've done to go to waste. I worked hard for every pound and I can't let my fears get the best of me. I've played this game my whole life - that's shitty to say - it's not a game it's my fucking life. Maybe that's part of the problem. I just don't get it. Anyway, I know that I was making progress because I was able to buy some clothes I actually liked. I don't want to spiral backwards and end up where I was a few months ago.

Basically, it's the same shit different day with me. Every post sounds exactly the same. I'm just going round in circles. I don't have any weight loss plans to finish out the month of April. I just want to hang on - keep trying to do better every day and hopefully end up with some loss for the month.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'll be visiting everyone tomorrow!

I'm back on my horse again

Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not sure what is / was going on, but I think I'm getting over it. I figured I should just put it out there so that it was 'on paper' so to speak. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me I just needed to vent for a minute this morning.

This month I tried to do something new. Not weigh myself for the entire month. Okay...that so did not happen. I check often, just haven't shared. I think that by ignoring my blog and others I've lost the connection with people who get me better than anyone. I've sort of checked out. I didn't do it intentionally.

I'm going to finish off my month (successful or not) and start April with a my Weighty Wednesdays again. I think that it holds me accountable and I want to do good.

I also wonder if getting under the 300 mark scares me subconsciously - I've got less than 20 pounds to get there and that seems attainable at this point. I should really be working my butt off to hit that magic 299 right? Just seems weird that I sabotage myself right before I get there. Something for me to explore.........

Guess that's all. I'm not quitting, cause I know it sounded that way this morning. I ate well and exercised tonight so all is well. Not to say I won't have another breakdown in the near future - but for now I'm hanging in there.