Monday, July 20, 2009

Many Heartfelt thanks; M.I.A.; Anticipation; Goals; What ifs

First, let me say thanks to everyone who checked on me. There were a few of you who went above and beyond and I can’t thank you enough. Losing Waist and Fixing Myself Thinner are true inspirations and I hope I can be that someday too. Losing Waist was one of my first buddies in this journey. I felt a huge connection with her from the start. When I finish reading some of her posts I feel like I’ve just gone through a deep counseling session and feel rejuvenated. Fixing Myself Thinner – well what can I say? She’s a true inspiration. She’s what I want to be when I lose weight. I’m in awe of both of these beautiful women and can’t thank them enough for their support. Now, that isn’t to say that no one else supported me because that is not the case – these two women just seemed to get me more than anyone.

I’ve been absent from this world for a few months. It sure doesn’t feel like that though. I think because I’ve been keeping up with most of you. Yep, I still read your entries almost daily. I think I may be a stalker….YIKES! I stopped commenting when I stopped blogging. I don’t have a particular reason. I just wasn’t inspired to share anything. I think that every time I sat down to write nothing popped into my head. It just reiterated the fact that I really don’t have a life. I let my weight get in the way of that years ago. I also had some internal competition issues. I was comparing myself to anyone and everyone who was the same age or close to the same weight (in blogland). If I didn’t lose as much as them I felt defeated. I saw myself going into a bad place and decided I needed to pull away from this for a little while. No one made me feel this – it was something I did to myself. I think it’s a way for me to try and fit in. It’s all I’ve ever wanted my whole life – to fit in. I’m 37 years old you’d think I’d be over that by now – but sometimes that stuff just doesn’t go away.

Anticipation can be a good thing. I’m anticipating a huge thing to happen in the next week or two. I’ll be under 300 pounds. It’s been 8 years, that I know of, since being there. This number is huge. At least it is in my head. I think that when I step on that scale and see that #, I’ve got this false impression of what is going to happen. Imagine fireworks exploding, people screaming, and an overall kind of peaceful happy feeling. Oh lord – totally unreal expectations. I know that. Please don’t try to counsel me and tell me that just by hitting that number it won’t fix everything – I do know that. But, I’ve tried to get below this fucking # for the past eight plus years – if I want to hear a few firecrackers then I think I should. I think I need something to validate how hard I’ve worked to get here. Yes, I have so much more to go – but it’s okay. I’ve reached a goal – I want to celebrate it. And not with food.

So with the above being mentioned I guess that you can see I didn’t fall off the wagon. I’ve tripped up quite a few times. I thought I’d be a little further along, but I’m not, and I’m dealing with it. I have figured out a few ways to fit exercising back into my day. When I started working again (February) I had a hard time working things out so that I could fit exercise & eating right into a day. Seems like it would be a fairly easy thing to do – but I struggled. I wake up @ 5:00AM to get ready for work, leave the house by 7:00AM, get home @ 5:00ish. Make dinner – get done between 6:00 – 6:30PM and then have to do things around the house. And then go to bed. Weekends end up w/ us running the errands we can’t do on the weekdays. Originally my goal was to start waking up @ 4:00AM and getting an hour in before work. Yeah….that sucked the couple times I did it. I was zonked by 8:00PM. So – now I walk during my lunch hour. I walk for 40 minutes. And it’s really put a dent in my calorie deficit. I got a bodybugg – which I think is the most fantastic tool a person can have. Yes, they are expensive, but I swear it pays for itself when you start to see that sitting on your ass all day doesn’t burn enough calories to wipe out what you’ve eaten (even if it’s only 1200 calories). I’m more aware of things now, and I’ll think twice before shoving some sort of yummy wonderful in my pie hole. I also have tried to work out an hour when I get home at night. All different things – a 4 mile Walk Away the Pounds, the Wii, treadmill, bike, whatever I’m in the mood for that day. It doesn’t happen every day – but it does happen and in the last month I’ve seen an improvement in my weight loss.

My goals change daily. Really, the only goal I have at this point is to continue on with whatever I’m doing. When I get bored change it up, when I hit a plateau figure out how to get through it (both physically and emotionally), when I gain weight – don’t let all the hard work I’ve done thus far go down the drain. Of course there are numerical goals – but nothing set in stone. If there is anything I’ve learned the past few months is to just go with the flow. Sounds good on paper – wish I could just follow that advice. I’ve got a goal # to hit in November w/ my BodyBugg and I’m off track by a few pounds. Damn it! But, it’s still something to shoot for and it keeps me on my toes. I have bad days. Some days when I get home from a stressful day at work I see me slipping into old habits. It’s amazing when you aren’t keeping up with your emotions they take control and you’re on autopilot. I head into our pantry and grab a snack, make dinner, snack a little on that, there is no off button. Feed the emotions, don’t let those people hurt you, feed yourself, that will fill the empty space in your head/heart. Just do it. I’m lucky that my job really isn’t that stressful, some days are worse than others. I know that this is going to be a lifelong battle. For the first time in forever, I think I can get through it. I’m still very fearful that I’ll go back into my old patterns. They were how I lived for most of my life – it’s comfortable.

I was talking to my husband over breakfast at Cracker Barrel Sunday morning. Going out for breakfast is quite an amazing thing for me to do – I don’t like to go out to eat. I don’t want people to judge the fat girl and what she eats. I realize that most people going out to breakfast are not really interested in me and I need to get over myself. I know it’s my own hang-ups – but they are my hang-ups. Anyway…we were talking about this new upcoming fantastical goal I’m going to achieve. I told him that I was proud of myself – I can’t say that about too many things I’ve done. But, this is the most amount of weight I’ve ever lost and I’m happy about it. Excited about it. But, on top of being excited and happy, I’m also scared to death. I told him that a fear is getting back to where I was when this journey started. It’s a very real fear. I asked – what is going to keep me from going back to that place? And, his sweet answer was that “you don’t want to go back there”. Awwwww….such a simple answer. I laughed and sort of cried on the inside. I never wanted to weigh that much. NEVER! It wasn’t my goal in life to get so morbidly obese that I wasn’t comfortable doing anything. I didn’t want to have to shop in specialty clothing stores and spend huge amounts of money on clothes I hated wearing, but had no choice because it was all that fit. I never wanted to be noticeably absent from pictures because every time I saw myself I wanted to slit my throat. You get the idea – I NEVER wanted to be there. But, I was. I was very there. And for a long time. So why is this time different? What if….I start to slip? What if…..I don’t recover from the slip up? What if….a gain of 20 pounds turns into a gain of 40 in a month? All fears. And all valid fears in my opinion. I can sit here and say I’ll never do that to myself again – but hell I did it the first time – what is going to keep me from going back to old habits. My answer – I don’t have a clue. I don’t know how I will push myself to lose more weight, or keep myself from gaining what I’ve lost. I just don’t know how I will. I have new tools this time – so that’s good. I’m older, and realize how much my weight affects my health………but they are just reasons. I know to “never say never” things happen. For now, I’m not concentrating on the what ifs. They are always in the back of my head trying to discourage me and take me off track – but for now – I’m trying just to live in the now. And it’s so damn hard – I’m a planner.

Like I said earlier – you’ve all been so amazingly supportive. More supportive than any of my family (excluding hubby cause he’s been my biggest supporter), or friends I have. I appreciate it more than you can ever know. Just reading one comment to know that someone else is struggling with all the shit I am – it’s just comforting that maybe we can get through it.

I can’t promise I’ll be back often. I really am a woman of few words (uhhhhmmmm….maybe not this entry). I probably will get back to commenting on your entries though. Got to get back into the mix of things – supporting my friends.

About Me

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Tennessee, United States
I'm just ready for a change. I'm hoping that this will be a place to meet people who are struggling as I am and we can help each other out.