Wednesday, December 31, 2008


10. This is the # of pounds I would like to lose a month (I'll take more though)
9. September (9 Months) I'd like to weigh 275 (or less)
8. Our eight year wedding anniversary - I'd like to take a trip somewhere nice and not be worried about my weight (yeah I'll still be around 275 but it's less than 350)
7. I can't think of a damn thing - so screw seven. :-)
6. Time I'd like to wake up every morning and work out.
5. Golden rings (oh wait wrong holiday) # of miles I'd like to walk each day eventually
4. # of pounds to lose before getting down to 339
3. # of job offers I'd like to have (ASAP)
2. # of times I'd like to walk a 5k next year (not run - thank you very much)
1. Last, I'd like to wish all of my new blogging buddies a very Happy 2009 - thanks for all of your support in 2008. Much success to all of us in the coming year!

Weighty Wednesdays

Weight 12/17/08 - 346.6
Current Weight - 343.6
Weight lost - 3

I skipped last weeks weigh in....hmmmmm, oh well.

I lost close to 10 pounds this month. I'll take it. I usually gain 10 pounds in December so this is a huge step for me. Who diets during the holidays? Can't wait for 2009!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Christmas, family, weight...

I hope that everyone had a very nice holiday.

My husband and I drove down to Georgia to spend Christmas with my dad. This is the first Christmas since my mom died. We had all talked about it and decided we weren't really going to do anything. We'd just spend time together and have a nice dinner. No tree, no gifts, no decorations. Not this year. There really wasn't one specific reason for this - I'm not working, my mom not being just seemed like the plan for this year. When we got to my dad's house he decorated the inside. It was really nice of him, but it upset me because he hung all of the stockings. My mom made new stockings for all of us every year. It was hard to see (in a good way). I cried a little. I saw that he stuffed each stocking with some stuff too. He said it wouldn't be right not to celebrate. I felt bad because I stuck to the original plan. was a very emotional day but a good one too.

My dad lives in a really small town out in the middle of nowhere. There are lots of places to walk so that is what I did every morning. I walked around 2.5 miles everyday. I felt great doing it too. Normally when we're there we sort of veg out. He lives on a lake and it's just like a nice little vacation. My dad walked with me a couple of mornings and it was nice to talk to him. I think that he was very surprised I could walk the distance (and at a good pace too). He quit walking after a mile - I would continue each morning.

After getting home from my walk Saturday my dad said he was really proud of me. He said that he would like to see me lose some weight. No shit sherlock. My dad and I have a really weird relationship regarding my weight. He doesn't understand what it is like to be heavy or struggle with weight. He thinks that you just eat less and exercise more and it all falls off. I've tried to talk to him and explain that a lot of my issues aren't only with the food and exercise. They are also emotional issues. He doesn't get it though. I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I don't know where it stems from and I'm trying to figure it out. So...back to my dad and his comment. I told him that I knew he'd like for me to lose the weight, I'd also like to lose it too. It's not like I love waking up every morning in this body. I explained that I didn't like to talk to him about it because of his lack of compassion/understanding and I think maybe he got it? I think since my mom died he's really trying to be a different person.

As my husband and I were leaving for home my dad said he was really proud and I should keep the walking up. I said thanks. I told him that when he calls he can't ask me if I've walked or how much I've walked because that will just annoy me. He agreed. :-)

We had a nice holiday all things considered.

I ate far too much and I'm hoping that I can break even for the month???? We shall see Wednesday.


I had a dream I was enjoying some Oreo Cookies....thank goodness we don't have any in the house, who knows what I would have done!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Take the good with the bad

So a few things I'm proud of this week (and a few I need to work on)

Good things:

1. I walked 15.65 miles, it's actually more but I wasn't wearing my nifty little tracking device. And no, it's not a ankle monitor. LOL
It's a Lifesource Wireless Activity Monitor
It's been helpful tracking calories/time/steps - but it's not perfect by any means. First of all...far too expensive. We only paid $39.99 so it was a better deal than most places. The second problem is that the battery isn't replaceable. It is accurate though, if I walk 2.5 miles on my treadmill the software shows that same information. So, it's been helpful.

2. I baked cookies/goodies for the holidays three days straight. I only had a few bites of things. Normally I'd test all of the dough and then have a few cookies to top it off. This time I had my husband be the guinea pig. It worked out great.

3. I tried to stay positive after my last "I'm pissed" post. I got over it and got back on my trusty little treadmill and threw in a few walking videos as well.

Bad things:

1. Tested cookies. Not a lot - but still tested a few.

We had take out twice this week and I made bad choices. I knew I was making them too. I have to live with the scale now. I take full responsibility. I was tired from all of the baking and didn't want to cook dinner.

Didn't work out for two days this week (Saturday & today)

So, I'll take the good with the bad. It's not the end of the world. We're heading down to Georgia for the Christmas break.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Christmas.

Be back before the new year - and I really hope that I'm at the same weight. No promises though!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I'm pissed

I've gone up 1.2 pounds this week. I swear it better be muscle or water. I have worked my buns off (literally). I got on the scale Sunday, because I'm obsessed, and I saw that I had gained weight. I couldn't figure it out. I've been eating very healthy, watching the portions, and exercising like crazy. Some days I've walked five miles. I've only been doing this a couple of weeks so what gives? Can't have a plateau after two weeks, right??? It's very difficult to accept this because I have been working so hard.

Alright, I'm done ranting. I guess it is what it is and I've got to get over it. All part of the bigger picture. It still sucks though. I'm just going to continue to do what I'm doing and hopefully it will reflect in the #'s for next week.

I just want to say how hard it is to post when you've gained weight. I'm more than willing to put myself out there when I've lost weight. I thought about not posting, maybe even posting but keeping my weight the same. I figured if I did that the only person I'm really hurting is myself. I guess I just don't want to be judged for gaining weight. That is completely ridiculous I know. Everyone I've talked to has been so supportive and incredible, but it is still a fear I have.

Weighty Wednesday

Weight 12/10/08 - 345.4
Current Weight - 346.6
Weight gained - 1.2

Friday, December 12, 2008

Why do I feel this way?

So yesterday was a weird day for me. I had some errands to run and I knew I wasn't going to walk. Figured it was ok, one day isn't going to hurt. I started my morning off with a bowl of cereal and a banana. Went to the grocery to pick up some miscellaneous things, came home and baked Mexican cornbread for my husband's potluck today, ate lunch (WW frozen meal w/ a tangerine) and then while I was cutting the corn bread it happened - I took a piece. One piece turned into two and then three (they weren't huge pieces, but not the point). What the hell was that? I don't know what happened.'s not the eating the cornbread that is throwing me it's the guilt. The rest of the night I had such guilt over not getting on the treadmill (which I could have done at any point), and eating a few pieces of the cornbread. I just couldn't shake it. I guess it's just that I've been doing so well and cornbread threw me off my game a little. Stupid, I know. I didn't do anything wrong really - we had a healthy dinner and I stopped eating @ 7:00PM like always. Looking at it today - it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I think it's just the way my brain is wired - it's all or nothing for me. I have to learn how to be in the middle and ok with mistakes. It's good to blog about it though - it puts it on paper and I'm able to look at it in another way.
Today is a new day though and as soon as I'm done posting I'm getting on the treadmill. And, I'll be walking more today since I skipped yesterday.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Good Week

I think I'm back on track again. I've been on my treadmill everyday (but Sunday). I walk about 2.4 miles, I also have been trying to do some LIGHT weights on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I've also been cooking healthier meals and eating the right portions.

All of that being said, I've done this a million times before. I'm not sure what causes me to fall off track over and over. Pretty much anything can though. I'm not working right now and that is not a good thing. I've been looking for work, but with the economy jobs just aren't out there. There is a good reason to fall off track (at least in my head it would be). Christmas is coming and I love to bake. I also love to test all of the doughs (I have to make sure they're good)...another good reason. The New Year....I could always wait to start the New Year off with a resolution to lose get the point. I wish that I lived in the present and could just be aware of all of the pitfalls, but when you've used food all of your life to hide what you're really feeling - it's hard to get out of the habit.

I should be thin - really thin. I have all of the books; Bob Green (2), Jorge Cruise, Suzanne Somers, Dr. Phil......I have all of the tapes, Leslie Sansone, Tye Bo, Pilates, The Firm.........and I have the equipment, a treadmill, bike, tae bo punching bag, steps, weights, and on and on....I'm a sucker for new exercise gadgets. I'd love to have an elliptical trainer....I see that there are a lot of people who use that rather than the treadmill....Maybe when I get a job???

I guess what I'm getting around to is that I'm not fooled by my weight loss this week. I have lost a lot more than that in previous attempts. I'm just trying to live in the present and figure out what causes me to run to chocolate (or anything) when life gets hard. Until I figure it out though, I'll take my seven pounds for this week and keep on chugging along.

Weighty Wednesday

Weight 12/3/08 - 353
Current Weight - 345.4
Weight Lost - 7.6

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Truth Shall Set You Free

My weight went up from about two weeks ago. I'd love to say that it was because of Thanksgiving, but it wasn't. I actually lost a pound or so. I gave myself permission to have a crappy couple of days because of my mom's birthday. I knew I wouldn't be feeling very happy so I let my issues take control and ate away. I think that the worst thing I ate was a thing of cake frosting. I know I'm so embarrassed to admit this, how could someone eat the whole tub of frosting, but I did it. I could feel the sugar running through my veins. I hated how I felt after and I'm not even sure what made me do it. I knew that I was going to be feeling lousy so I should have been more aware and had a plan. But, my plan was to cheat. Those two days passed and I woke up feeling great yesterday (Wednesday). I walked 2.3 miles on the treadmill, cleaned the house, ate really well throughout the day, and drank all my water. I'm planning on getting back on the treadmill this morning and walking again.

I just don't understand why I choose to eat unhealthy when I feel better eating healthy things. I'll start my morning off well...and then this unwelcome monster sits right next to me and eggs me on to eat crap. I try very hard not to keep that kind of food in the house, but it's amazing what you can come up with when you're feeling desperate. I've made so many different kind of concoctions out of what I can find in the pantry. Or worse, I'll bake something. You really only need flour, sugar, butter, and eggs. We always have those things on hand. I just don't get it. That's pretty obvious, as my weight shows.

I'm afraid of what this is doing to me on the inside. Cancer, Diabetes, Heart Disease, Obesity, and more I can't think of all run in my family. Those are the big boys though. Why do I continue to do these things when I know all of these things run in my family. I think because I don't have high blood pressure (126/87 took this morning), haven't been diagnosed with diabetes, and I feel pretty good most days that I just overlook it. I don't feel like I weigh 353 pounds. I know I do, but my body just doesn't feel like it. My fear is that one day I'll wake up with some of these problems and my body will feel like I weigh 353. I just watched my mom die trapped in a body that quit on her - I don't want to have that same fate.

I hope that by posting here, talking to others, and just keep chugging along I'll figure it out. Right now I'd be happy at any weight under 300.

Monthly Measurements

Wrist 7.25
Upper Arm 19 (holy crap)
Neck 17
Chest 49.5
Waist 58
Hips 68
Thigh 31
Calf 19.5 (my arm is a 1/2 inch smaller - that's so sad)

I figured I'd take my measurements the beginning of every month - just a way to track them. Nothing to be proud of - but it's on "paper" and staring me in the face. I hope that this will be some motivation!

Weighty Wednesdays

Starting Weight: 357
Current Weight: 353

Monday, December 1, 2008

December 2008

What does December mean for me?

Well...this year, tomorrow actually, would have been my mom's 58th birthday. She died two months ago. I think tomorrow is going to be a really hard day for me. I wanted to do something special to remember her, but I just can't come up with anything creative. We've already planted a tree. I thought about going to the beach and letting some balloons go (not mylar), but we live so far away and my husband has to work.

Christmas is also this month. It's another reminder that I don't have a job and we really can't afford to do anything for anyone. I love Christmas, but this year won't be the same because my mom isn't here.

December is usually a time I reflect on the last year. I've already started to go over some of the things that have happened and none of it has been really positive:

Got a great job, making great money (quit to take care of my mom)
Gained weight (about 30 pounds)
My mom died (how many times can I mention that huh?)
I don't have a job

I'm sure I can put a spin on all of those things to make them positive like,

Job was stressful, never home, quitting gave me the most wonderful precious time with my mom positives here. Excuses though, moved into my parents house -didn't care about food just what was good for my mom
She's not suffering anymore
Lots of time to spend at home making healthy meals and exercising

So....there you have it. None of them feel very positive though. My goals for December are quite simple.
1. Continue exercising
2. Watch portions
3. Lose 15 pounds

So.....we'll see. I think 15 pounds is stretching it a bit, but I really think I can do it. And if not, any loss will be awesome!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

I've got the blahs

I don't know why? But, I've got the blahs today. I woke up and just didn't feel like doing anything.

I hate when this happens. Normally what I'll do is use this as an excuse to sit around all day and give into the snacking monster that is sitting on my shoulder. It'll be a fight a first, I'll go into the pantry look around, tell myself I don't need it, walk to the fridge look around, tell myself I don't need it, and then....wham apparently I need it. I'll find something unhealthy and indulge. We really don't have a lot of unhealthy food in the house, but there are a few things. I won't just have one piece, one bite, a taste....nope I'll eat the whole freakin' thing. Once I've given into it you'd think I'd stop, but my puny little brain says "well you blew it Christy, may as well continue".

I hate that I don't have a little off button that says stop. I guess I have the off button I just don't know how to use it. I'm learning though. I've finally gotten to the point where I realize that if I have a bad day, that's ok. That doesn't mean that I have to give up everything I've accomplished so far. It's been really hard to retrain my brain to think that too. Usually, if I screwed up that was just it for me....end of diet.

I guess it's ok to have a blah day every now and again. It's just learning how to have a blah day without eating everything in sight.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I was reading some other blogs and a few people have compiled a list of their goals. I came across one blog that went back to their goals and wrote about if they were achieved or not. I loved the idea. I'm working on a list of goals for 2009. Obviously my main goal is to lose weight. But, it's not that simple. What I'm really hoping to figure out is why all this weight? What happened that made me 356 pounds. I'm not an idiot. I know lack of exercise and over eating is the reason. But, what makes me gravitate towards food when I'm sad, mad, anxious, etc..... I haven't had that "Ah-ha" moment. I've seen pictures of myself at this weight, heard comments made, felt the aches and pains, but just haven't had that moment some people say they have.

My goal for this year is quite simple. I would like to continue on the path I'm on now. Right now my focus is on exercise. I figure that is a good start. I don't know why I don't want to exercise some days. I feel great after I do it, my clothes fit better and, my body hurts less and less. Yet, some days I still fight that "I don't feel like it" feeling. I've been good at fighting it though. I've been walking on my treadmill for the past month. I've gotten better everyday too. I'm up to 2.1 miles (I started off at 1 mile). I'm proud of that.

Sounds simple - I just want to make it that simple.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Not really sure where or how to start.

I've been fat my entire life. I don't have any memories of being a little girl. There was a short period in my early 20's where I weighed about 185 pounds - and the worst part is I never realized it. I just thought I was huge. I have a few of those pictures hanging up on a board and I just wish that I was that fat now.

I could sit here and say I don't know how/when/why I got this big. It would be a lie though. I take full responsibility for all 349 pounds. I'm embarrassed, disgusted, ashamed, but mostly I'm disappointed that I let it get so out of control.

I've been secretly reading blogs for a few weeks now. I'm truly inspired by so many of you. I can relate to a lot of you - especially those who have a lot to lose. It seems that this is a great venue to share feelings about weight, food, dieting, and life as a fat person in general.

My hope is to blog about all of these things and maybe make a few friends while doing so.

About Me

My photo
Tennessee, United States
I'm just ready for a change. I'm hoping that this will be a place to meet people who are struggling as I am and we can help each other out.