This weekends random thoughts

Pictures.
I hate pictures with a passion. I just hate what they do to me emotionally. I took a picture a few months into this try at weight loss and haven’t really taken any others since. This weekend my dad got a new camera and was shooting pics of my husband and myself while kayaking. Have you ever thought that you were doing really well, looking decent? And then you see a picture. Boy it can change everything. See, I have this issue – I don’t feel like a person who weighs this much. But, seeing that picture this weekend, I am a person who weighs this much. I’ve been avoiding the kayak for three years. I just knew I wouldn’t fit in it, or since I am so big I would tip over fall out, whatever the fear was I let it take over. This weekend I just bit the bullet and tried it out. Getting in it was a pain, and the initial lowering into the water was scary. Scary enough that I thought about quitting. As I was sitting in the kayak laughing, but freaked out I just said – what are you so afraid of? Falling in the water? Geez, that would be terrible. You’ve never been wet before. Really – that is the worst thing that would have happened. So I let go and just figured it out. I had the best time. I could just kick myself for not trying it sooner. Everyone was really surprised by how far I was able to go (myself included). I had fun. It’s a great workout too. Not really aerobic, but great for the arms, back, and core. Anyway…my husband and I rode around the lake for about a ½ hour and all the while my dad was snapping pictures. We went in to look at them and I couldn’t believe what (who) I saw. Who is that fat girl sitting in the kayak. Oh, that’s me. I really don’t feel like that girl. The roll around my stomach is so freaking huge – I get the whole spare tire reference. I think my tire is for a big rig. The chin – or should I say chins – oh my. Now, I should mention that once you get into this kayak everything kind of gets pushed up – I have a lot to push up. I was disappointed that I still looked so heavy. I know I am heavy. Obviously the scale does not lie, or the size of my clothing. I just didn’t think I looked that big. I guess it’s extra incentive to get back to my exercise routine. Another 40 pounds (almost) and next time it will be a little better.

My dad.
I have a weird relationship with him. He’s from the South and sometimes the views men have of women here are a little different that views I grew up with on the West Coast. My dad and I have butted heads since I was a little girl. I can remember going days without talking to him when I was four or five. I don’t think that’s normal to be that mad. Anyway – we had a conversation about my weight, which is always fun. Somehow this man thinks he understands what it is to be where I am, because he has a weight problem (he has to lose 20 pounds). I don’t have a weight problem. I have several issues that have caused a morbid obesity problem. I told him that a friend of mine had a gastric bypass. He asked why I haven’t done that yet. I told him that I’d thought about it a million times, but that I just didn’t think it was the solution for me. I told him that I needed to figure out what it was that was causing me to do this to myself. We talked for about an hour and it just went nowhere. It’s frustrating that he isn’t sympathetic. He thinks he’s being that, but it comes off as being a jerk. I’m not writing all of this to bash my dad – I’m just trying to deal with all of the feelings that come up when I talk to him about weight. After that conversation, I went up to bed and started to cry. My husband had no idea what happened. I think everything just caught up with me. I was fine a few minutes later – I think I may have needed a release after the conversation.

On a whole the weekend went really well, emotionally. I was lacking in the eating healthy and exercising department but I’m home now so back to baby steps

Playing Victim

My last post was a little on the “woe is me” side. I made all of the bad choices and I knew that there would be consequences for them. I guess what I posted was more for me – I need to know where I’m at, and start living in the now (as stated by: http://foolsfitness.blogspot.com). I appreciate all of the support. You have all been amazing and stuck with me, cheering me on. While I may not get around to everyone to say how much this all means to me – I am reading each post and trying to take it to heart. All of the advice, support, calling me out, it’s all very helpful.

The past three days have been better. I’m back to baby steps again. I think I was putting all of my eggs in one basket – I have to lose this much or I’m a failure sort of thinking. It’s a hard habit to break. Do you ever get over that part of it? Beating up oneself because a day, a week, a month, a lifetime of failure? I know that this isn’t a quick fix thing. I get that. But, those humps, when you’re feeling like a complete failure, and eating like crap sounds better than getting on the treadmill, how do you just kick it in to high gear. When we start watching our weight in the beginning it seems so easy. Eat right, exercise, be happy. But then a few months in, things aren’t happening fast enough (I know that there has been a lot of talk about this circulating around (http://losingwaist.blogspot.com) (http://ninjakitteestyle.blogspot.com) blog world. Is it just the time? Looking back at a lot of the things I’ve done in my life – I quit half way through. I always find some excuse to not finish. I don’t like it, they don’t like me, I’m too fat to be a part of it, I can’t………all crap. I can do it. I know that. Reading all of the success stories I am inspired. I want to be like all of you. I guess I just want it now. Not a year, two years, or five years from now. I WANT IT NOW!!! Sounding like a two year old throwing a tantrum now. Playing victim again. STOP IT!!!

I don’t have anyone holding a gun to my head saying “eat this or die lady”. Hmmm…light bulb moment – I’m holding the gun to my head. It’s just in a different way – eat this lady and die. Got off track there sorry – I’m not saying that I’ve had some fantastic revelation and now I’m cured of all negative thinking, my food choices will all be good, and I’ll exercise like a maniac. I’m just saying that this time (from November of 2008 –not today) I feel different than any other time I’ve tried to do this. That is the whole reason I started this blog. My only hope is that my intuition is right. Even though I have this feeling – I still have those moments of doubt, like the ones from just two days ago. Does any of this make any sense? I feel like I’m rambling, saying all of the things that need to be said but not really living those things. How appropriate.

This weekend should be nice. I’m heading down to my dad’s house in Georgia. I haven’t been there since December – I’ve lost 30 pounds since then. I’m hoping that the weather is good. We’ve been without the sun here for the last week or so and I’m so over it. This morning I wore a short sleeve sweater to work in hopes that it would lure out that little warm MoFo but no – the rat bastard stayed behind the clouds all day. Coward. Yeah, I’m a nutcase. I’m just sick of grey gloomy days! But, I digress – the weather there is always warmer so I’m hoping we can spend some time out at the lake – I wanted to try out the kayak and maybe do some hiking. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Again, thanks for the amazing words of kindness and support. They mean the world to me. I’ll stop playing victim and kick my own ass for a while.

From my heart

I'm beyond struggling. I spent my weekend failing. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted, and disappointed. How did I get back to this place? Why?

I had this fantastic goal & plan for the month of March. It started off great. I exercised everyday in the beginning. I even managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:30AM one morning to walk 2 miles before heading out to work. I felt awesome the whole day and slept like a log that night. Somewhere in the middle of March it all went to hell. I stopped exercising, updated the blog, checking in with other bloggers, and not being careful with my food choices. I don't know what set me back. I wish I had kept a journal or blogged to see where things started to shift in a negative direction.

As far as April goes - let's just say it's the 13th and I'm doing even worse. I love Easter candy. More than regular candy. Don't know where it stems from - my mom didn't really go crazy with candy in our baskets growing up, don't have any fond memories of an affair with Easter candy, I just love the stuff. Dove eggs are a weakness. I gave in and had some. And I also had Reece's Eggs, Milky Way eggs, Snicker Eggs, and jelly beans. Not all of this was inhaled in one sitting. I'm not sure that really matters because it was all inhaled at some point during the last two weeks. All of the things I practiced in previous months was put on the back burner and I numbed all my pain (what pain you ask? I'm still trying to figure that out) and shame with chocolate and sugar. Easter dinner was ham, steamed broccoli (who was I kidding with that), mashed potatoes, and rolls. I ate until I was sick.

I notice that when I'm eating healthy and have a piece of chocolate, I enjoy it. I savor every bite because I know I'm only having that one piece. When I'm using chocolate as my drug to numb - I don't taste anything - I just shovel it all in.

I don't want all of the previous work I've done to go to waste. I worked hard for every pound and I can't let my fears get the best of me. I've played this game my whole life - that's shitty to say - it's not a game it's my fucking life. Maybe that's part of the problem. I just don't get it. Anyway, I know that I was making progress because I was able to buy some clothes I actually liked. I don't want to spiral backwards and end up where I was a few months ago.

Basically, it's the same shit different day with me. Every post sounds exactly the same. I'm just going round in circles. I don't have any weight loss plans to finish out the month of April. I just want to hang on - keep trying to do better every day and hopefully end up with some loss for the month.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'll be visiting everyone tomorrow!