I'm beyond struggling. I spent my weekend failing. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted, and disappointed. How did I get back to this place? Why?
I had this fantastic goal & plan for the month of March. It started off great. I exercised everyday in the beginning. I even managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:30AM one morning to walk 2 miles before heading out to work. I felt awesome the whole day and slept like a log that night. Somewhere in the middle of March it all went to hell. I stopped exercising, updated the blog, checking in with other bloggers, and not being careful with my food choices. I don't know what set me back. I wish I had kept a journal or blogged to see where things started to shift in a negative direction.
As far as April goes - let's just say it's the 13th and I'm doing even worse. I love Easter candy. More than regular candy. Don't know where it stems from - my mom didn't really go crazy with candy in our baskets growing up, don't have any fond memories of an affair with Easter candy, I just love the stuff. Dove eggs are a weakness. I gave in and had some. And I also had Reece's Eggs, Milky Way eggs, Snicker Eggs, and jelly beans. Not all of this was inhaled in one sitting. I'm not sure that really matters because it was all inhaled at some point during the last two weeks. All of the things I practiced in previous months was put on the back burner and I numbed all my pain (what pain you ask? I'm still trying to figure that out) and shame with chocolate and sugar. Easter dinner was ham, steamed broccoli (who was I kidding with that), mashed potatoes, and rolls. I ate until I was sick.
I notice that when I'm eating healthy and have a piece of chocolate, I enjoy it. I savor every bite because I know I'm only having that one piece. When I'm using chocolate as my drug to numb - I don't taste anything - I just shovel it all in.
I don't want all of the previous work I've done to go to waste. I worked hard for every pound and I can't let my fears get the best of me. I've played this game my whole life - that's shitty to say - it's not a game it's my fucking life. Maybe that's part of the problem. I just don't get it. Anyway, I know that I was making progress because I was able to buy some clothes I actually liked. I don't want to spiral backwards and end up where I was a few months ago.
Basically, it's the same shit different day with me. Every post sounds exactly the same. I'm just going round in circles. I don't have any weight loss plans to finish out the month of April. I just want to hang on - keep trying to do better every day and hopefully end up with some loss for the month.
Thanks for checking in on me. I'll be visiting everyone tomorrow!