Playing Victim

My last post was a little on the “woe is me” side. I made all of the bad choices and I knew that there would be consequences for them. I guess what I posted was more for me – I need to know where I’m at, and start living in the now (as stated by: http://foolsfitness.blogspot.com). I appreciate all of the support. You have all been amazing and stuck with me, cheering me on. While I may not get around to everyone to say how much this all means to me – I am reading each post and trying to take it to heart. All of the advice, support, calling me out, it’s all very helpful.

The past three days have been better. I’m back to baby steps again. I think I was putting all of my eggs in one basket – I have to lose this much or I’m a failure sort of thinking. It’s a hard habit to break. Do you ever get over that part of it? Beating up oneself because a day, a week, a month, a lifetime of failure? I know that this isn’t a quick fix thing. I get that. But, those humps, when you’re feeling like a complete failure, and eating like crap sounds better than getting on the treadmill, how do you just kick it in to high gear. When we start watching our weight in the beginning it seems so easy. Eat right, exercise, be happy. But then a few months in, things aren’t happening fast enough (I know that there has been a lot of talk about this circulating around (http://losingwaist.blogspot.com) (http://ninjakitteestyle.blogspot.com) blog world. Is it just the time? Looking back at a lot of the things I’ve done in my life – I quit half way through. I always find some excuse to not finish. I don’t like it, they don’t like me, I’m too fat to be a part of it, I can’t………all crap. I can do it. I know that. Reading all of the success stories I am inspired. I want to be like all of you. I guess I just want it now. Not a year, two years, or five years from now. I WANT IT NOW!!! Sounding like a two year old throwing a tantrum now. Playing victim again. STOP IT!!!

I don’t have anyone holding a gun to my head saying “eat this or die lady”. Hmmm…light bulb moment – I’m holding the gun to my head. It’s just in a different way – eat this lady and die. Got off track there sorry – I’m not saying that I’ve had some fantastic revelation and now I’m cured of all negative thinking, my food choices will all be good, and I’ll exercise like a maniac. I’m just saying that this time (from November of 2008 –not today) I feel different than any other time I’ve tried to do this. That is the whole reason I started this blog. My only hope is that my intuition is right. Even though I have this feeling – I still have those moments of doubt, like the ones from just two days ago. Does any of this make any sense? I feel like I’m rambling, saying all of the things that need to be said but not really living those things. How appropriate.

This weekend should be nice. I’m heading down to my dad’s house in Georgia. I haven’t been there since December – I’ve lost 30 pounds since then. I’m hoping that the weather is good. We’ve been without the sun here for the last week or so and I’m so over it. This morning I wore a short sleeve sweater to work in hopes that it would lure out that little warm MoFo but no – the rat bastard stayed behind the clouds all day. Coward. Yeah, I’m a nutcase. I’m just sick of grey gloomy days! But, I digress – the weather there is always warmer so I’m hoping we can spend some time out at the lake – I wanted to try out the kayak and maybe do some hiking. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Again, thanks for the amazing words of kindness and support. They mean the world to me. I’ll stop playing victim and kick my own ass for a while.