I've got the blahs

I don't know why? But, I've got the blahs today. I woke up and just didn't feel like doing anything.

I hate when this happens. Normally what I'll do is use this as an excuse to sit around all day and give into the snacking monster that is sitting on my shoulder. It'll be a fight a first, I'll go into the pantry look around, tell myself I don't need it, walk to the fridge look around, tell myself I don't need it, and then....wham apparently I need it. I'll find something unhealthy and indulge. We really don't have a lot of unhealthy food in the house, but there are a few things. I won't just have one piece, one bite, a taste....nope I'll eat the whole freakin' thing. Once I've given into it you'd think I'd stop, but my puny little brain says "well you blew it Christy, may as well continue".

I hate that I don't have a little off button that says stop. I guess I have the off button I just don't know how to use it. I'm learning though. I've finally gotten to the point where I realize that if I have a bad day, that's ok. That doesn't mean that I have to give up everything I've accomplished so far. It's been really hard to retrain my brain to think that too. Usually, if I screwed up that was just it for me....end of diet.

I guess it's ok to have a blah day every now and again. It's just learning how to have a blah day without eating everything in sight.

Goals

I was reading some other blogs and a few people have compiled a list of their goals. I came across one blog that went back to their goals and wrote about if they were achieved or not. I loved the idea. I'm working on a list of goals for 2009. Obviously my main goal is to lose weight. But, it's not that simple. What I'm really hoping to figure out is why all this weight? What happened that made me 356 pounds. I'm not an idiot. I know lack of exercise and over eating is the reason. But, what makes me gravitate towards food when I'm sad, mad, anxious, etc..... I haven't had that "Ah-ha" moment. I've seen pictures of myself at this weight, heard comments made, felt the aches and pains, but just haven't had that moment some people say they have.

My goal for this year is quite simple. I would like to continue on the path I'm on now. Right now my focus is on exercise. I figure that is a good start. I don't know why I don't want to exercise some days. I feel great after I do it, my clothes fit better and, my body hurts less and less. Yet, some days I still fight that "I don't feel like it" feeling. I've been good at fighting it though. I've been walking on my treadmill for the past month. I've gotten better everyday too. I'm up to 2.1 miles (I started off at 1 mile). I'm proud of that.

Sounds simple - I just want to make it that simple.

Not really sure where or how to start.

I've been fat my entire life. I don't have any memories of being a little girl. There was a short period in my early 20's where I weighed about 185 pounds - and the worst part is I never realized it. I just thought I was huge. I have a few of those pictures hanging up on a board and I just wish that I was that fat now.

I could sit here and say I don't know how/when/why I got this big. It would be a lie though. I take full responsibility for all 349 pounds. I'm embarrassed, disgusted, ashamed, but mostly I'm disappointed that I let it get so out of control.

I've been secretly reading blogs for a few weeks now. I'm truly inspired by so many of you. I can relate to a lot of you - especially those who have a lot to lose. It seems that this is a great venue to share feelings about weight, food, dieting, and life as a fat person in general.

My hope is to blog about all of these things and maybe make a few friends while doing so.