Monday, April 20, 2009

This weekends random thoughts

I hate pictures with a passion. I just hate what they do to me emotionally. I took a picture a few months into this try at weight loss and haven’t really taken any others since. This weekend my dad got a new camera and was shooting pics of my husband and myself while kayaking. Have you ever thought that you were doing really well, looking decent? And then you see a picture. Boy it can change everything. See, I have this issue – I don’t feel like a person who weighs this much. But, seeing that picture this weekend, I am a person who weighs this much. I’ve been avoiding the kayak for three years. I just knew I wouldn’t fit in it, or since I am so big I would tip over fall out, whatever the fear was I let it take over. This weekend I just bit the bullet and tried it out. Getting in it was a pain, and the initial lowering into the water was scary. Scary enough that I thought about quitting. As I was sitting in the kayak laughing, but freaked out I just said – what are you so afraid of? Falling in the water? Geez, that would be terrible. You’ve never been wet before. Really – that is the worst thing that would have happened. So I let go and just figured it out. I had the best time. I could just kick myself for not trying it sooner. Everyone was really surprised by how far I was able to go (myself included). I had fun. It’s a great workout too. Not really aerobic, but great for the arms, back, and core. Anyway…my husband and I rode around the lake for about a ½ hour and all the while my dad was snapping pictures. We went in to look at them and I couldn’t believe what (who) I saw. Who is that fat girl sitting in the kayak. Oh, that’s me. I really don’t feel like that girl. The roll around my stomach is so freaking huge – I get the whole spare tire reference. I think my tire is for a big rig. The chin – or should I say chins – oh my. Now, I should mention that once you get into this kayak everything kind of gets pushed up – I have a lot to push up. I was disappointed that I still looked so heavy. I know I am heavy. Obviously the scale does not lie, or the size of my clothing. I just didn’t think I looked that big. I guess it’s extra incentive to get back to my exercise routine. Another 40 pounds (almost) and next time it will be a little better.

My dad.
I have a weird relationship with him. He’s from the South and sometimes the views men have of women here are a little different that views I grew up with on the West Coast. My dad and I have butted heads since I was a little girl. I can remember going days without talking to him when I was four or five. I don’t think that’s normal to be that mad. Anyway – we had a conversation about my weight, which is always fun. Somehow this man thinks he understands what it is to be where I am, because he has a weight problem (he has to lose 20 pounds). I don’t have a weight problem. I have several issues that have caused a morbid obesity problem. I told him that a friend of mine had a gastric bypass. He asked why I haven’t done that yet. I told him that I’d thought about it a million times, but that I just didn’t think it was the solution for me. I told him that I needed to figure out what it was that was causing me to do this to myself. We talked for about an hour and it just went nowhere. It’s frustrating that he isn’t sympathetic. He thinks he’s being that, but it comes off as being a jerk. I’m not writing all of this to bash my dad – I’m just trying to deal with all of the feelings that come up when I talk to him about weight. After that conversation, I went up to bed and started to cry. My husband had no idea what happened. I think everything just caught up with me. I was fine a few minutes later – I think I may have needed a release after the conversation.

On a whole the weekend went really well, emotionally. I was lacking in the eating healthy and exercising department but I’m home now so back to baby steps


tisha said...

I completely understand. It really does suck when you're doing well and feeling good and then you see a reflection or a photo. Try to remember that being on TV and Photographs taken by family members always add 75 pounds. Only kidding, but don't be too hard on yourself. Remember what you've accomplished and keep your goal in mind.

Dutch said...

Wow, I think you wrote this entry for me. LOL I have always felt that way. I do not feel this big but when I see I picture of myself I can't believe it. I guess it is the opposite of anorexic. Keep up the good work. Baby steps is all we need to get this weight off. We can do it. Take care. Hugs

bbubblyb said...

I needed to read this today to know I'm not alone in my view of myself, that others walk with me in struggling with their emotions about their size.

I have to tell you though I felt SOOO PROUD of you for going on that kayak ride. I feel like we make ourselves prisoners in our bodies so often and you proved we don't have to be. That we can try and do just about anything anyone else can.

I'm glad you had that talk with your dad even if you felt like it didn't change how he felt. At least you got it off your chest and hopefully it benefited you.

I know you can lose the weight you are doing it and you are getting out there and doing things and facing fears and that's what will get you where you want to be. *hugs*

Losing Waist! said...

My dad is from North Carolina... he thinks that women should look good to keep their husbands from cheating (I wonder why I got fat), and because only thin women are worth it.

He really believes it is okay to feel that way. He also thinks that he understands my "sweet tooth"?? I have a fucking sweet tooth (1/2 gallon of ice cream later). I TRULY RELATE to the parent thing.

wildfluffysheep said...

Pictures can be the worst. But theres nothing like a bad photo to motivate you into doing something. I know thats true for me. I have some pictures where I felt good with me at the at time but when I look at me I realise how enormous I am. I've put those pics in my motivation book. They do help.

Can't really comment on the father thing. Mine has been nothing but supportive.

Chubby Chick said...

Man... I feel your pain. Nothing depresses me more than seeing a picture of myself! Hence... I avoid cameras at all costs.

foolsfitness said...

I can totally relate when you say you don't "feel" as fat as a picture. Normally unless my clothes are really tight or I'm trying to cramn myself into a diner table booth I don't seem to grasp it.

I'm glad you think about why you are morbidly obese rather than just going for the stomach gastric gadject thing. Personally I think they are very dangerous alternatives to loosing weight and don't address what go us into this spot in the first place.

I think I'd like to have a weight problem of 20 pounds! Instead currently my weight issue? emergency? disaster? apocalptic chasm is over 100++.

Way to go with the kayak. I think it's the little things like making small steps of activity over couch potato and the serving size over the whole pizza just that one time... then one more, and another...that will make the baby steps to get us to live life more fully, perhaps without being so full of ourselves.

being full of something is the foolsfitness way! - Alan

Lady Downsize! said...

All I can say is exactly. I hate the me I see in those pictures far more than the me I see in the mirror. They both look completely different in my mind's eye - I guess that eye has psychological problems.

Stormy Vawn Bradley said...

I am so jealous that you got to go kayaking. It is on my things to do list. You should be proud of yourself for doing it. Its a fitness activity and that's what really matters.

Tena said...

I have the same reaction when I see myself in pictures. As a result, I'm not in many, lol. I just don't see myself as a big chunky girl.

It's awesome that you overcame your fear long enough to have some fun. I want to kayak but have the same fears as you. Life is flying by and I'm not having fun yet.

When will we quit trying to please others? Baby steps in that area, too!

The Crazy Woman Inside Me said...

I found your blog through Tisha's. :-) Like you and many others here in the comments, I can so perfectly relate to what you said about photos. Good God but I'm horrified when I see pictures of me because I think I look so much better. But the camera doesn't lie--the mirror does. :-0

The important thing is not to let yourself get too depressed about the photos because that can lead to overeating. At least it's been that way for me. When I feel bad about myself I dive into something fatty and caloric and then, of course, I look and feel even worse!

I think your blog is great and your posts are clearly heartfelt. I wish you all the best on your weight loss journey.

Please stop by and visit my blog when you get a chance. You'll see we have a lot in common. :-)


Ria said...

Hi! I just found your blog, and I can definitely relate . . . hating pictures, fathers who just don't get it, wanting it to happen faster but having trouble staying motivated . . . pretty much all of it.

My blog isn't public, but fellow wl bloggers are all welcome - I sent you an invitation.

Hang in there - you're doing great!

Stephen said...

Just checking in. Hope your doing okay.

Have a great week!

Losing Waist! said...

Hey lady! I MISS YOU!

bbubblyb said...

I miss you too, where are you? Are you ok? I hope you come back soon.

just me said...

Hey! haven't seen you in a long while, hoping all is well :)

Dutch said...

I hope everything is OK. I miss your entries.

bbubblyb said...

Months have gone by and I wonder how you are? I hope ok. Would love to see a post from you again soon. *hugs*

About Me

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Tennessee, United States
I'm just ready for a change. I'm hoping that this will be a place to meet people who are struggling as I am and we can help each other out.