Monday, April 13, 2009

From my heart

I'm beyond struggling. I spent my weekend failing. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted, and disappointed. How did I get back to this place? Why?

I had this fantastic goal & plan for the month of March. It started off great. I exercised everyday in the beginning. I even managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:30AM one morning to walk 2 miles before heading out to work. I felt awesome the whole day and slept like a log that night. Somewhere in the middle of March it all went to hell. I stopped exercising, updated the blog, checking in with other bloggers, and not being careful with my food choices. I don't know what set me back. I wish I had kept a journal or blogged to see where things started to shift in a negative direction.

As far as April goes - let's just say it's the 13th and I'm doing even worse. I love Easter candy. More than regular candy. Don't know where it stems from - my mom didn't really go crazy with candy in our baskets growing up, don't have any fond memories of an affair with Easter candy, I just love the stuff. Dove eggs are a weakness. I gave in and had some. And I also had Reece's Eggs, Milky Way eggs, Snicker Eggs, and jelly beans. Not all of this was inhaled in one sitting. I'm not sure that really matters because it was all inhaled at some point during the last two weeks. All of the things I practiced in previous months was put on the back burner and I numbed all my pain (what pain you ask? I'm still trying to figure that out) and shame with chocolate and sugar. Easter dinner was ham, steamed broccoli (who was I kidding with that), mashed potatoes, and rolls. I ate until I was sick.

I notice that when I'm eating healthy and have a piece of chocolate, I enjoy it. I savor every bite because I know I'm only having that one piece. When I'm using chocolate as my drug to numb - I don't taste anything - I just shovel it all in.

I don't want all of the previous work I've done to go to waste. I worked hard for every pound and I can't let my fears get the best of me. I've played this game my whole life - that's shitty to say - it's not a game it's my fucking life. Maybe that's part of the problem. I just don't get it. Anyway, I know that I was making progress because I was able to buy some clothes I actually liked. I don't want to spiral backwards and end up where I was a few months ago.

Basically, it's the same shit different day with me. Every post sounds exactly the same. I'm just going round in circles. I don't have any weight loss plans to finish out the month of April. I just want to hang on - keep trying to do better every day and hopefully end up with some loss for the month.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'll be visiting everyone tomorrow!


Stormy Vawn Bradley said...

First and foremost, the past is over. Just move in forward from here. I have also been less than stellar, but we can move forward and do better. Just take it one day at a time.
Check my blog out sometime.

By the way...Grease is one of my favorite movies also.

HopeFool said...

You're not the only one in a bad place. We *can* turn it around though.

Anonymous said...

I think when you're gaining, it's more helpful to get yourself eating healthy and doing exercise again before you get all diet-y and start trying to lose weight immediately. Stabilize first.

bbubblyb said...

It is about moving forward from here, forget about the past, can't change it so why feel guilty over it. Sometimes it is just about treading water, staying afloat. That's not a bad place, a bad place is letting yourself slip into the black hole and not coming out till you're back where you started. So right now from this moment can be your fresh start. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! *hugs*

carla said...

same shit different day can STOP today if you choose for it to.

How can we, the blogworld, help you to take even the smallest of steps forward?

small. set yourself up for success today!


Crystal said...

I agree with what everyone has to say. This can stop. The past is over. I do understand what you are going through though. I would say most dieters do understand. It's like we know how to do why can't we just do it? I agree it's important to stabilize..just get back to where you were. Even if it takes a week or two.

foolsfitness said...

I'm pretty sure the Easter Bunny secretly works for the dark side. Moreover marshmellow peeps are Evil creations!

I had a plan, then I got up this morning... I had a plan tonight, then I scarfed down double what I should of. But our battles don't end here, in fact they will go on for the rest of our lives, to try to make better choices- or adapt, or move on.

Think about what you've done in the past you can be proud about. maybe learn from a mistake, but this in now. I always ask myself:

OK what am I going to do right now?

Being in the *now* is the foolsfitness way! - Alan

jo said...

That was then, this is now.

New goal: Follow your plan with each bite. Don't set anything big yet, just each bite. Then expand a bit.

If you break it down into small chunks, you can get yourself back to where you want to be.


wildfluffysheep said...

*hugs* I completely relate to this post this week. Same boat. This week has been a disaster, complete collapse.

I really don't know what else to say. I feel like I actually wrote this post.

Losing Waist! said...

Yeah. I have trouble when I fuck up because my first instinct is to throw all of my progress away, and then add failure on top of failure. Pretty sure it is why I have lost 20 pounds 20 times and yet still ended up at 365. So I would say... don't throw it away (I know you won't). I loved this post. You REALLY do have great things to say, and reflections that are deep and meaningful.

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I'm just ready for a change. I'm hoping that this will be a place to meet people who are struggling as I am and we can help each other out.