So yesterday was a weird day for me. I had some errands to run and I knew I wasn't going to walk. Figured it was ok, one day isn't going to hurt. I started my morning off with a bowl of cereal and a banana. Went to the grocery to pick up some miscellaneous things, came home and baked Mexican cornbread for my husband's potluck today, ate lunch (WW frozen meal w/ a tangerine) and then while I was cutting the corn bread it happened - I took a piece. One piece turned into two and then three (they weren't huge pieces, but not the point). What the hell was that? I don't know what happened. Anyway....it's not the eating the cornbread that is throwing me it's the guilt. The rest of the night I had such guilt over not getting on the treadmill (which I could have done at any point), and eating a few pieces of the cornbread. I just couldn't shake it. I guess it's just that I've been doing so well and cornbread threw me off my game a little. Stupid, I know. I didn't do anything wrong really - we had a healthy dinner and I stopped eating @ 7:00PM like always. Looking at it today - it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I think it's just the way my brain is wired - it's all or nothing for me. I have to learn how to be in the middle and ok with mistakes. It's good to blog about it though - it puts it on paper and I'm able to look at it in another way.
Today is a new day though and as soon as I'm done posting I'm getting on the treadmill. And, I'll be walking more today since I skipped yesterday.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Good Week
I think I'm back on track again. I've been on my treadmill everyday (but Sunday). I walk about 2.4 miles, I also have been trying to do some LIGHT weights on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I've also been cooking healthier meals and eating the right portions.
All of that being said, I've done this a million times before. I'm not sure what causes me to fall off track over and over. Pretty much anything can though. I'm not working right now and that is not a good thing. I've been looking for work, but with the economy jobs just aren't out there. There is a good reason to fall off track (at least in my head it would be). Christmas is coming and I love to bake. I also love to test all of the doughs (I have to make sure they're good)...another good reason. The New Year....I could always wait to start the New Year off with a resolution to lose weight.........you get the point. I wish that I lived in the present and could just be aware of all of the pitfalls, but when you've used food all of your life to hide what you're really feeling - it's hard to get out of the habit.
I should be thin - really thin. I have all of the books; Bob Green (2), Jorge Cruise, Suzanne Somers, Dr. Phil......I have all of the tapes, Leslie Sansone, Tye Bo, Pilates, The Firm.........and I have the equipment, a treadmill, bike, tae bo punching bag, steps, weights, and on and on....I'm a sucker for new exercise gadgets. I'd love to have an elliptical trainer....I see that there are a lot of people who use that rather than the treadmill....Maybe when I get a job???
I guess what I'm getting around to is that I'm not fooled by my weight loss this week. I have lost a lot more than that in previous attempts. I'm just trying to live in the present and figure out what causes me to run to chocolate (or anything) when life gets hard. Until I figure it out though, I'll take my seven pounds for this week and keep on chugging along.
All of that being said, I've done this a million times before. I'm not sure what causes me to fall off track over and over. Pretty much anything can though. I'm not working right now and that is not a good thing. I've been looking for work, but with the economy jobs just aren't out there. There is a good reason to fall off track (at least in my head it would be). Christmas is coming and I love to bake. I also love to test all of the doughs (I have to make sure they're good)...another good reason. The New Year....I could always wait to start the New Year off with a resolution to lose weight.........you get the point. I wish that I lived in the present and could just be aware of all of the pitfalls, but when you've used food all of your life to hide what you're really feeling - it's hard to get out of the habit.
I should be thin - really thin. I have all of the books; Bob Green (2), Jorge Cruise, Suzanne Somers, Dr. Phil......I have all of the tapes, Leslie Sansone, Tye Bo, Pilates, The Firm.........and I have the equipment, a treadmill, bike, tae bo punching bag, steps, weights, and on and on....I'm a sucker for new exercise gadgets. I'd love to have an elliptical trainer....I see that there are a lot of people who use that rather than the treadmill....Maybe when I get a job???
I guess what I'm getting around to is that I'm not fooled by my weight loss this week. I have lost a lot more than that in previous attempts. I'm just trying to live in the present and figure out what causes me to run to chocolate (or anything) when life gets hard. Until I figure it out though, I'll take my seven pounds for this week and keep on chugging along.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The Truth Shall Set You Free
My weight went up from about two weeks ago. I'd love to say that it was because of Thanksgiving, but it wasn't. I actually lost a pound or so. I gave myself permission to have a crappy couple of days because of my mom's birthday. I knew I wouldn't be feeling very happy so I let my issues take control and ate away. I think that the worst thing I ate was a thing of cake frosting. I know I'm so embarrassed to admit this, how could someone eat the whole tub of frosting, but I did it. I could feel the sugar running through my veins. I hated how I felt after and I'm not even sure what made me do it. I knew that I was going to be feeling lousy so I should have been more aware and had a plan. But, my plan was to cheat. Those two days passed and I woke up feeling great yesterday (Wednesday). I walked 2.3 miles on the treadmill, cleaned the house, ate really well throughout the day, and drank all my water. I'm planning on getting back on the treadmill this morning and walking again.
I just don't understand why I choose to eat unhealthy when I feel better eating healthy things. I'll start my morning off well...and then this unwelcome monster sits right next to me and eggs me on to eat crap. I try very hard not to keep that kind of food in the house, but it's amazing what you can come up with when you're feeling desperate. I've made so many different kind of concoctions out of what I can find in the pantry. Or worse, I'll bake something. You really only need flour, sugar, butter, and eggs. We always have those things on hand. I just don't get it. That's pretty obvious, as my weight shows.
I'm afraid of what this is doing to me on the inside. Cancer, Diabetes, Heart Disease, Obesity, and more I can't think of all run in my family. Those are the big boys though. Why do I continue to do these things when I know all of these things run in my family. I think because I don't have high blood pressure (126/87 took this morning), haven't been diagnosed with diabetes, and I feel pretty good most days that I just overlook it. I don't feel like I weigh 353 pounds. I know I do, but my body just doesn't feel like it. My fear is that one day I'll wake up with some of these problems and my body will feel like I weigh 353. I just watched my mom die trapped in a body that quit on her - I don't want to have that same fate.
I hope that by posting here, talking to others, and just keep chugging along I'll figure it out. Right now I'd be happy at any weight under 300.
I just don't understand why I choose to eat unhealthy when I feel better eating healthy things. I'll start my morning off well...and then this unwelcome monster sits right next to me and eggs me on to eat crap. I try very hard not to keep that kind of food in the house, but it's amazing what you can come up with when you're feeling desperate. I've made so many different kind of concoctions out of what I can find in the pantry. Or worse, I'll bake something. You really only need flour, sugar, butter, and eggs. We always have those things on hand. I just don't get it. That's pretty obvious, as my weight shows.
I'm afraid of what this is doing to me on the inside. Cancer, Diabetes, Heart Disease, Obesity, and more I can't think of all run in my family. Those are the big boys though. Why do I continue to do these things when I know all of these things run in my family. I think because I don't have high blood pressure (126/87 took this morning), haven't been diagnosed with diabetes, and I feel pretty good most days that I just overlook it. I don't feel like I weigh 353 pounds. I know I do, but my body just doesn't feel like it. My fear is that one day I'll wake up with some of these problems and my body will feel like I weigh 353. I just watched my mom die trapped in a body that quit on her - I don't want to have that same fate.
I hope that by posting here, talking to others, and just keep chugging along I'll figure it out. Right now I'd be happy at any weight under 300.
Monthly Measurements
Wrist 7.25
Upper Arm 19 (holy crap)
Neck 17
Chest 49.5
Waist 58
Hips 68
Thigh 31
Calf 19.5 (my arm is a 1/2 inch smaller - that's so sad)
I figured I'd take my measurements the beginning of every month - just a way to track them. Nothing to be proud of - but it's on "paper" and staring me in the face. I hope that this will be some motivation!
Upper Arm 19 (holy crap)
Neck 17
Chest 49.5
Waist 58
Hips 68
Thigh 31
Calf 19.5 (my arm is a 1/2 inch smaller - that's so sad)
I figured I'd take my measurements the beginning of every month - just a way to track them. Nothing to be proud of - but it's on "paper" and staring me in the face. I hope that this will be some motivation!
Monday, December 1, 2008
December 2008
What does December mean for me?
Well...this year, tomorrow actually, would have been my mom's 58th birthday. She died two months ago. I think tomorrow is going to be a really hard day for me. I wanted to do something special to remember her, but I just can't come up with anything creative. We've already planted a tree. I thought about going to the beach and letting some balloons go (not mylar), but we live so far away and my husband has to work.
Christmas is also this month. It's another reminder that I don't have a job and we really can't afford to do anything for anyone. I love Christmas, but this year won't be the same because my mom isn't here.
December is usually a time I reflect on the last year. I've already started to go over some of the things that have happened and none of it has been really positive:
Got a great job, making great money (quit to take care of my mom)
Gained weight (about 30 pounds)
My mom died (how many times can I mention that huh?)
I don't have a job
I'm sure I can put a spin on all of those things to make them positive like,
Job was stressful, never home, quitting gave me the most wonderful precious time with my mom
oooohhh....no positives here. Excuses though, moved into my parents house -didn't care about food just what was good for my mom
She's not suffering anymore
Lots of time to spend at home making healthy meals and exercising
So....there you have it. None of them feel very positive though. My goals for December are quite simple.
1. Continue exercising
2. Watch portions
3. Lose 15 pounds
So.....we'll see. I think 15 pounds is stretching it a bit, but I really think I can do it. And if not, any loss will be awesome!!!
Well...this year, tomorrow actually, would have been my mom's 58th birthday. She died two months ago. I think tomorrow is going to be a really hard day for me. I wanted to do something special to remember her, but I just can't come up with anything creative. We've already planted a tree. I thought about going to the beach and letting some balloons go (not mylar), but we live so far away and my husband has to work.
Christmas is also this month. It's another reminder that I don't have a job and we really can't afford to do anything for anyone. I love Christmas, but this year won't be the same because my mom isn't here.
December is usually a time I reflect on the last year. I've already started to go over some of the things that have happened and none of it has been really positive:
Got a great job, making great money (quit to take care of my mom)
Gained weight (about 30 pounds)
My mom died (how many times can I mention that huh?)
I don't have a job
I'm sure I can put a spin on all of those things to make them positive like,
Job was stressful, never home, quitting gave me the most wonderful precious time with my mom
oooohhh....no positives here. Excuses though, moved into my parents house -didn't care about food just what was good for my mom
She's not suffering anymore
Lots of time to spend at home making healthy meals and exercising
So....there you have it. None of them feel very positive though. My goals for December are quite simple.
1. Continue exercising
2. Watch portions
3. Lose 15 pounds
So.....we'll see. I think 15 pounds is stretching it a bit, but I really think I can do it. And if not, any loss will be awesome!!!
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About Me
- Chews to Lose
- Tennessee, United States
- I'm just ready for a change. I'm hoping that this will be a place to meet people who are struggling as I am and we can help each other out.