The Truth Shall Set You Free

My weight went up from about two weeks ago. I'd love to say that it was because of Thanksgiving, but it wasn't. I actually lost a pound or so. I gave myself permission to have a crappy couple of days because of my mom's birthday. I knew I wouldn't be feeling very happy so I let my issues take control and ate away. I think that the worst thing I ate was a thing of cake frosting. I know I'm so embarrassed to admit this, how could someone eat the whole tub of frosting, but I did it. I could feel the sugar running through my veins. I hated how I felt after and I'm not even sure what made me do it. I knew that I was going to be feeling lousy so I should have been more aware and had a plan. But, my plan was to cheat. Those two days passed and I woke up feeling great yesterday (Wednesday). I walked 2.3 miles on the treadmill, cleaned the house, ate really well throughout the day, and drank all my water. I'm planning on getting back on the treadmill this morning and walking again.

I just don't understand why I choose to eat unhealthy when I feel better eating healthy things. I'll start my morning off well...and then this unwelcome monster sits right next to me and eggs me on to eat crap. I try very hard not to keep that kind of food in the house, but it's amazing what you can come up with when you're feeling desperate. I've made so many different kind of concoctions out of what I can find in the pantry. Or worse, I'll bake something. You really only need flour, sugar, butter, and eggs. We always have those things on hand. I just don't get it. That's pretty obvious, as my weight shows.

I'm afraid of what this is doing to me on the inside. Cancer, Diabetes, Heart Disease, Obesity, and more I can't think of all run in my family. Those are the big boys though. Why do I continue to do these things when I know all of these things run in my family. I think because I don't have high blood pressure (126/87 took this morning), haven't been diagnosed with diabetes, and I feel pretty good most days that I just overlook it. I don't feel like I weigh 353 pounds. I know I do, but my body just doesn't feel like it. My fear is that one day I'll wake up with some of these problems and my body will feel like I weigh 353. I just watched my mom die trapped in a body that quit on her - I don't want to have that same fate.

I hope that by posting here, talking to others, and just keep chugging along I'll figure it out. Right now I'd be happy at any weight under 300.