Playing Victim

My last post was a little on the “woe is me” side. I made all of the bad choices and I knew that there would be consequences for them. I guess what I posted was more for me – I need to know where I’m at, and start living in the now (as stated by: http://foolsfitness.blogspot.com). I appreciate all of the support. You have all been amazing and stuck with me, cheering me on. While I may not get around to everyone to say how much this all means to me – I am reading each post and trying to take it to heart. All of the advice, support, calling me out, it’s all very helpful.

The past three days have been better. I’m back to baby steps again. I think I was putting all of my eggs in one basket – I have to lose this much or I’m a failure sort of thinking. It’s a hard habit to break. Do you ever get over that part of it? Beating up oneself because a day, a week, a month, a lifetime of failure? I know that this isn’t a quick fix thing. I get that. But, those humps, when you’re feeling like a complete failure, and eating like crap sounds better than getting on the treadmill, how do you just kick it in to high gear. When we start watching our weight in the beginning it seems so easy. Eat right, exercise, be happy. But then a few months in, things aren’t happening fast enough (I know that there has been a lot of talk about this circulating around (http://losingwaist.blogspot.com) (http://ninjakitteestyle.blogspot.com) blog world. Is it just the time? Looking back at a lot of the things I’ve done in my life – I quit half way through. I always find some excuse to not finish. I don’t like it, they don’t like me, I’m too fat to be a part of it, I can’t………all crap. I can do it. I know that. Reading all of the success stories I am inspired. I want to be like all of you. I guess I just want it now. Not a year, two years, or five years from now. I WANT IT NOW!!! Sounding like a two year old throwing a tantrum now. Playing victim again. STOP IT!!!

I don’t have anyone holding a gun to my head saying “eat this or die lady”. Hmmm…light bulb moment – I’m holding the gun to my head. It’s just in a different way – eat this lady and die. Got off track there sorry – I’m not saying that I’ve had some fantastic revelation and now I’m cured of all negative thinking, my food choices will all be good, and I’ll exercise like a maniac. I’m just saying that this time (from November of 2008 –not today) I feel different than any other time I’ve tried to do this. That is the whole reason I started this blog. My only hope is that my intuition is right. Even though I have this feeling – I still have those moments of doubt, like the ones from just two days ago. Does any of this make any sense? I feel like I’m rambling, saying all of the things that need to be said but not really living those things. How appropriate.

This weekend should be nice. I’m heading down to my dad’s house in Georgia. I haven’t been there since December – I’ve lost 30 pounds since then. I’m hoping that the weather is good. We’ve been without the sun here for the last week or so and I’m so over it. This morning I wore a short sleeve sweater to work in hopes that it would lure out that little warm MoFo but no – the rat bastard stayed behind the clouds all day. Coward. Yeah, I’m a nutcase. I’m just sick of grey gloomy days! But, I digress – the weather there is always warmer so I’m hoping we can spend some time out at the lake – I wanted to try out the kayak and maybe do some hiking. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Again, thanks for the amazing words of kindness and support. They mean the world to me. I’ll stop playing victim and kick my own ass for a while.

From my heart

I'm beyond struggling. I spent my weekend failing. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted, and disappointed. How did I get back to this place? Why?

I had this fantastic goal & plan for the month of March. It started off great. I exercised everyday in the beginning. I even managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:30AM one morning to walk 2 miles before heading out to work. I felt awesome the whole day and slept like a log that night. Somewhere in the middle of March it all went to hell. I stopped exercising, updated the blog, checking in with other bloggers, and not being careful with my food choices. I don't know what set me back. I wish I had kept a journal or blogged to see where things started to shift in a negative direction.

As far as April goes - let's just say it's the 13th and I'm doing even worse. I love Easter candy. More than regular candy. Don't know where it stems from - my mom didn't really go crazy with candy in our baskets growing up, don't have any fond memories of an affair with Easter candy, I just love the stuff. Dove eggs are a weakness. I gave in and had some. And I also had Reece's Eggs, Milky Way eggs, Snicker Eggs, and jelly beans. Not all of this was inhaled in one sitting. I'm not sure that really matters because it was all inhaled at some point during the last two weeks. All of the things I practiced in previous months was put on the back burner and I numbed all my pain (what pain you ask? I'm still trying to figure that out) and shame with chocolate and sugar. Easter dinner was ham, steamed broccoli (who was I kidding with that), mashed potatoes, and rolls. I ate until I was sick.

I notice that when I'm eating healthy and have a piece of chocolate, I enjoy it. I savor every bite because I know I'm only having that one piece. When I'm using chocolate as my drug to numb - I don't taste anything - I just shovel it all in.

I don't want all of the previous work I've done to go to waste. I worked hard for every pound and I can't let my fears get the best of me. I've played this game my whole life - that's shitty to say - it's not a game it's my fucking life. Maybe that's part of the problem. I just don't get it. Anyway, I know that I was making progress because I was able to buy some clothes I actually liked. I don't want to spiral backwards and end up where I was a few months ago.

Basically, it's the same shit different day with me. Every post sounds exactly the same. I'm just going round in circles. I don't have any weight loss plans to finish out the month of April. I just want to hang on - keep trying to do better every day and hopefully end up with some loss for the month.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'll be visiting everyone tomorrow!

I'm back on my horse again

Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not sure what is / was going on, but I think I'm getting over it. I figured I should just put it out there so that it was 'on paper' so to speak. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me I just needed to vent for a minute this morning.

This month I tried to do something new. Not weigh myself for the entire month. Okay...that so did not happen. I check often, just haven't shared. I think that by ignoring my blog and others I've lost the connection with people who get me better than anyone. I've sort of checked out. I didn't do it intentionally.

I'm going to finish off my month (successful or not) and start April with a my Weighty Wednesdays again. I think that it holds me accountable and I want to do good.

I also wonder if getting under the 300 mark scares me subconsciously - I've got less than 20 pounds to get there and that seems attainable at this point. I should really be working my butt off to hit that magic 299 right? Just seems weird that I sabotage myself right before I get there. Something for me to explore.........

Guess that's all. I'm not quitting, cause I know it sounded that way this morning. I ate well and exercised tonight so all is well. Not to say I won't have another breakdown in the near future - but for now I'm hanging in there.

Going, going, gone....................

Quick post - I've lost my motivation. I'm trying really hard to hang in there - but I'm struggling. I don't know if it's because I haven't been around blogville lately or what....

Oh yeah....

This is not an OH YEAH, I lost 10 pounds this week. This is an oh yeah, I forgot to mention.....I'm not going to do my Weighty Wednesdays this month (only this month). Since I've given myself a huge # for this month I've decided to only weigh in once at the end of the month. It's so hard to watch the numbers fluctuate weekly that I don't want to get myself too discouraged.

Still hanging in there and exercising daily. Not as much as I'd like, but exercising just the same.

The ALS ride probably isn't going to pan out because of work and how far away it is (3 1/2 hours one way). So I'll continue to ride the bike and be ready for next year.

I just want to mention that I had a weak moment with some Girl Scout cookies. Being back at work is great. Just not the part where everyone wants you to help their kids be the top cookie seller in Girl Scouts. I'm such a people pleaser I just can't say no. So we had four boxes in the house. Two boxes of Thin Mints, 1 of the lemons, and another. They sat on the counter for four days - four days and I was fine. Then all of a sudden I had a hankering for one of those damn things. Did I eat just one. Hell no, I ate four. The boxes are now gone thank goodness and those little Girl Scouts are done selling in our area. Thank God!

Have a great week!

Springing forward

It's been forever since I've actually sat down and shared anything. I made myself a list of things to do today and this is the last item to be checked off.

February sucked for me. I lost a total of 6 pounds the whole month. Now I know that I should look at that and be grateful that it wasn't a gain. I am. But, what I'm thinking is that I just wasn't all that focused last month. I took my measurements and nothing really changed - I lost an inch or two here and there. I wasn't pleased. I think that I used starting my job as an excuse. Eating hasn't been my problem it's keeping up with the exercise. When I was home I was working out 1 1/2 hours everyday. Now, not so much.

March hit and I got back with the program. Whatever the program is. I'm not on anything - I'm just doing my own thing. I know that there are a lot of people who have success following a program and that is awesome. Me, not so much. What I'm doing is working right now and that is what I'll continue. If I find that something changes and I need a new outlook, maybe WW. It seems to be the most effective program (in my opinion). Anway...March....I made it a goal to exercise everyday and to lose a total of 15 pounds this month. Yeah, it's a huge goal. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? Maybe. But, so far we're eight days into the month and I'm doing it. The 15 pounds is just so that I can make up for what I didn't lose in February, but if it doesn't happen that's okay. I'll live.

I've been toying with the idea of riding a 15 mile mountain bike ride for ALS (what my mom died from in October). I was very close to my mom. She was my best friend and this disease is awful. ALS is having a ride in Georgia next month and I've been thinking about doing it. 15 miles isn't much (probably a little over an hour ride) but for a 300 pound gal - it's a long ride. We bought a bike trainer and I've been riding everyday - I have to make a decision by this weekend. I don't even know if I can get the time away from work to do it??? I just figured it was for a good cause, and I would benefit in more ways than one (weight loss, exercise, helping others with ALS and a tribute to my mom who loved to ride).

Guess that's all --- I'll be trying to stay more up to date with everyone and comment a little more.

Spring is almost here! :-) Happy days!

And, check (off my list)

Weighty Wednesdays (on Thursday)

Weight 2/25/09 - 326.6
Current Weight 3/5/09 - 324.6
Weight lost - 2

I didn't post last night because I was trying to get around to post comments on all other blogs. This is from yesterday though.

I haven't got to everyone's blogs yet - I'm so behind. I'll be visiting soon though. :-)